Blog entry for:

to choose a principled response instead of a defective reaction. one thing i like saying to my peers in recovery is that i am grateful to have choices today. as facile as that may sound, it is an actual and real truth in my life. when i was in active addiction, i believed i had choice, amongst which was the choice to not use. the “catch” was that i choose not to make that choice today. talk about a load of freaking bullshit, that was certainly an example of my denial writ large. my denial went a whole lot deeper than that, but most of all one of the things i did not seem to have any choice in, was being what i needed to be to get what i wanted, manipulating those around me to fulfill my desires and fronting someone i never was even close to being. of course, if one had asked me if i “chose” to be that way, i would have said of course, that is just who i am.
so i have yet to get a solution to what if anything i can say to my massage therapist about how she can wind down in the evening without the use of chemistry. what i keep feeling is a pull to “do something” but a warning that it is not my place and i have little to offer, save total abstinence. in our professional relationship i am quite comfortable and in our personal relationship i am not quite sure whether or not offering up an unsolicited suggestion, is a good thing. in my experience, my unsolicited advice and suggestions never go over well, except for those who trust me to tell them that they have a “booger hanging out of their nose” in a literal and figurative sense. i will, in this case defer to my better judgement and be okay waiting for the “ask.”
what i heard this morning when i was not thinking about the code i am writing for work, was that i am amazed at the progress i have made, in learning to choose how to react or respond to those annoying character defects that never seem to be going away. i felt more than a bit of gratitude that most days i get through the day without giving anyone or anything the middle finger salute. i might have sorts of opportunities to do so, but i am finding the easier softer way, is to not rent them even that small cubbyhole in my head. i am okay with letting that shit slide off and moving on with my day. which reminds me, that is exactly what i need to do. so long and thanks for all the fish. 😉

∞ DT ∞