Blog entry for:

that inhibit my growth are often not imposed upon me from the misadventures of my past, but are a current set of stories i tell myself, so i can stay stuck in whatever trap i have created. from time to time, i can actually get a glimpse of what is going on being the curtains and wonder how the fVCK i stayed clean for so long. the whole victim to the disease of addiction gig, kept me stuck in FEAR for quite a long time in my recovery journey. ironically, even though i stayed clean, i could not move forward into the next phase of my recovery, getting over the fact that addiction, was about far more than just my uncontrollable use of drugs and my life could be unmanageable even with some clean-time. i had a scapegoat for all the misery in my life and as long as i treated addiction as an alien invader, i could wallow in the self-pity and martyrdom of being made an addict by no choice of my own. the way i read powerlessness, was that i was being ground into dust by forces far beyond my control and just had to accept that was the way it was going to be. once i tired of life under that thumb, i finally sought the means to break free from the limitations i placed on my recovery.
today, i see myself as an addict, and when i speak of addiction, i say the part of me i call addiction, as it is part of the whole, and not some separate entity. it is not the addict who desires my demise, but will settle for me getting loaded, IT IS ME! i am the root cause of nearly all my problems and regardless of the pile of garbage imposed upon me by my society, my family, my culture or my genetic load, it is me who has to find the means to be something more. the payoff of putting my hands in the air and whining about how powerless i am, is no longer a sufficient basis to drive my recovery forward. admitting i am powerless and going on with my life, doing my best to be the better version of myself, creates all sorts of weird dissonances in my life, especially in my relationships with the peers that comprise my local fellowship. my recent cycle of being self-righteously judgmental has done little to resolve that inner discord, in fact that behavior is publishing the guidelines for my withdrawal from recovery and paving the road to my inevitable first use. when i limit my recovery by choosing to seek “something else” i find myself performing the same stunts that i criticize my peers for doing. i have become a victim to my opinion, right or wrong, and have abdicated my choice in the matter. i am giving away a huge chunk of my personal power and seem to be enjoying that face as i spin down the toilet bowl of separation and alienation, into the sewer of active addiction.
this morning after a short “long night,” i am ready to stop this particular spin cycle and ask the POWER that fuels my recovery, to provide me the power to see and be something more. it is a good day to walk through my life without the limits that i have imposed upon myself and my recovery.

∞ DT ∞