ฮด discovering that i do not want to keep all the rules i have been taught. ฮ
Posted: Mon, Aug 14, 2006 06:54:30 AM
i do not have to be the life-long victim of my past experiences. i am free to discard the ideas that inhibit my growth.
and i am also free to integrate the ideas that foster my growth into my current program of recovery. interesting topic for me today, especially since now i am stalled on writing about my resentments. i have identified them and have them down on paper, which is progress and a good thing. i am however having some trouble thinking and writing about them. an ancient idea from somewhere in the "don land" is telling me that if i write these out i will discover that i am not a victim but rather a willing participant in these very resentments that i have been nurturing for quite some time.
lately it seems that i have been coming back to this particular theme time and time again -- that is the don as a victim paradigm. and although this theme is appealing to me and allows me to deflect blame off of myself, it is hardly a conducive theme for growth, and perhaps it is time as the reading suggests, to discard this manner of thinking. after all, do i really want to stay sick? and that question is an interesting one for me to ponder. the alternative, looking for my part in my resentment list, and moving forward in writing my inventory may actually provide some clues for living and will without a doubt help me grow. and growing is what i want to do today, or is it? perhaps i just want to stay sick for just another day, so i can bathe in the warm glow of self-righteous indignation. perhaps i just want to stay sick one more day so i can relish the sweet taste of anger that has been sitting on my heart for quite some time. perhaps i want to stay sick one more day so i can ignore my responsibilities and commitments and do exactly what i want to do, which is absolutely positively not a damn thing. after all, the part of me i call my disease gives me the permission to do all of the above and much, much more and i am powerless over that part of me so what the fuck? why not be really sick and see what happens!
as i continue looking down that path, i am unwilling to accept the consequences of what making that decision in that manner entails. so i think i will let go of my resentments by writing them out and preparing to share them with my sponsor, after all i am willing to grow today!
and i am also free to integrate the ideas that foster my growth into my current program of recovery. interesting topic for me today, especially since now i am stalled on writing about my resentments. i have identified them and have them down on paper, which is progress and a good thing. i am however having some trouble thinking and writing about them. an ancient idea from somewhere in the "don land" is telling me that if i write these out i will discover that i am not a victim but rather a willing participant in these very resentments that i have been nurturing for quite some time.
lately it seems that i have been coming back to this particular theme time and time again -- that is the don as a victim paradigm. and although this theme is appealing to me and allows me to deflect blame off of myself, it is hardly a conducive theme for growth, and perhaps it is time as the reading suggests, to discard this manner of thinking. after all, do i really want to stay sick? and that question is an interesting one for me to ponder. the alternative, looking for my part in my resentment list, and moving forward in writing my inventory may actually provide some clues for living and will without a doubt help me grow. and growing is what i want to do today, or is it? perhaps i just want to stay sick for just another day, so i can bathe in the warm glow of self-righteous indignation. perhaps i just want to stay sick one more day so i can relish the sweet taste of anger that has been sitting on my heart for quite some time. perhaps i want to stay sick one more day so i can ignore my responsibilities and commitments and do exactly what i want to do, which is absolutely positively not a damn thing. after all, the part of me i call my disease gives me the permission to do all of the above and much, much more and i am powerless over that part of me so what the fuck? why not be really sick and see what happens!
as i continue looking down that path, i am unwilling to accept the consequences of what making that decision in that manner entails. so i think i will let go of my resentments by writing them out and preparing to share them with my sponsor, after all i am willing to grow today!
∞ DT ∞