Blog entry for:

limitations on my ability to function at work, limitations on the risks i am willing to take - the list seems endless.
somehow, somewhere i got the notion that i COULD never be the best, so right then and there i decided why bother. the limitations that came from that attitude have crippled me my entire adult life, and it was not until this set of steps when it became clear to me, that i DO NOT succeed, because i believe i CANNOT succeed. the reading this morning, is something so apt for me, that i am almost in shock that finally, there is a reading that is just for me, today.
yes, the STEP process has uncovered something that is core to my belief system, the defeatist attitude that colors my world, is so pervasive, pernicious and vile, and had existed for so long, that i was certainly the last to know about it. sitting on STEP EIGHT, while not highly recommended, seems to be what i needed to do, as this particular shortcoming was coming into the light and i was gaining clarity about who i am, today. knowledge is not necessarily wisdom, but it can lead to wisdom. had i any permanent wisdom, i would have seen the clues of this belief a long, long time ago and the part of me i call addiction wan ts to run down the path of what an idiot i am, how could i have so obtuse and so on…
to counter that argument, i can easily say, that i lie to myself and believe the lies i tell myself, to such an extent, that there are times i certainly could sell myself some spiritual swamp land. i wrap that denial structure up in the FEAR of pain, namely that if i look at what is honestly occurring, it will hart too much and i will be worse off than when i started. just like if i start to believe that i can be the best, than it will hurt too much when i fall short. which brings me back to the beginning, a belief structure that is self-limiting and based on the FEAR of pain. well today, i want to break the cycle of self-abuse and flagellation, and walk in the sunlight of who i am becoming. today, i want to be more than i was yesterday and will do what i can, to be the best i can, even if it is not necessarily the winner. after all, if i do not use today or abuse myself today, i am better than i was when i walked into the rooms and there is HOPE that today i can be better than i woke up. i am, after all the best me that has ever existed and i can only become better, if i allow the process to do its work.
time to head on out to work and see what i can do there that will earn me and my company the big bux today.

∞ DT ∞