Blog entry for:

and open my mind to new ideas.
as the FIFTH STEP glow, that i have experienced, fades into nothingness, leaving me smack dab in the midst with the need to move through STEP SIX, this reading feels especially poignant this morning. after all, it was the sh!t of the past, that has been holding me back and the uncertainty of the future that keeps me constrained to doing what i think i NEED to be doing. oh, i could blame this and that, and have in the past, and more than likely will do so in the future, but today, i feel more like stepping into the here and now and leaving my previous state behind.
the notion that i am my own greatest enemy, when it comes to moving behind my limitations, feels like the theme of my life, ever since i started this whole recovery adventure. you know the message that big boys do not cry, always show my game face and never ever let them see you sweat, created a man who was cut-off from his feelings, isolated within his fantasy world and afraid to show any sign of weakness or vulnerability. the part of me i call addiction took all, of this and ran them into more than just a manner of living, it turned these cultural values into my way of being and built the illusion that this was how everyone did it. and so it was, i stood on the brink of this journey, looking for relief from my legal problems and unwilling to let any of that go. after all, no MAN, WOMAN or CHILD, was worth the risk of being anything but a cardboard cut-out to the world in general.
writing that last paragraph, may not seem like any great revelation to anyone but me, but it is the first time, i have been able to so succinctly put, who i was and where i was going. today, those ideas still echo through my head and i wonder, if i will ever get them entirely removed. as much as i like to say, my job does not define me as a person, being self-employed once again, no matter how temporarily, brings all of that back, as my fear of lack of financial security, starts to generate my desire to show less and hide oh so much more, from the world in general, and most importantly from my peers and friends in recovery. there are however, steps i can take and attitudes i can change, at least today. i no longer need to believe the lies i fed myself on a daily basis. i am talented, i can compete in the business world and i have worth as a man, as a employee, as a friend, as a lover and as a life partner. yes there is work to do, but, i am as good as i can be at this point of time and the sooner i accept that and move on, the sooner i GET to be the kind of person i have always dreamed of being.
that person, is being revealed to me, minute by minute, day by day and i am certain that the journey i am on is the right one for me.
the job? still waiting.
my recovery? not waiting at all. in fact, i think i will jump into the shower, set-up my office in the backyard and get some more work done, professionally and let the recovery stuff take care of itself. it is after all a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞