Β· thinking, writing, and talking about what was wrong with me may make me feel β¦
Posted: Wed, Sep 17, 2008 09:40:44 AM
...like i had it all under control. however, sooner or later, i realize i am stuck in my problems and the solutions nowhere in sight. well i could launch into how this reading does not really apply to me. that would be true on the surface. yes, i may take some time writing inventories, but it is a lack of diligence, and not from hashing over the same old sh!t until i get down to the very root cause of all my problems. in reality, i already know what the root cause is, "I AM AN ADDICT!"
so long and thanks for all the fish.
okay, a very little joke there, the so long part not the root cause. while that answer simplifies everything, it does not excuse me behavior in the past, present or future. i still have to work steps, i still will have more fourth step inventories to do, and i will still have to apply myself to living the program. the manner in which this reading applies to me, is that i get stuck taking my inventory in my head. the informal judge, jury and executioner that lives with twenty-four hours a day, every day of my life, is a far more deadly distraction than a never ending fourth step, at least for me. of course for someone else, who knows, certainly not me. so as i sit here and ponder the deeper implications of this reading for me, i see that like the mythical addict in the reading, i need to let go of the constant self-examination and recrimination and move into the solution. yes,, i am human, yes i interact with other humans, and yes, as a consequence i am going to make a mistake, a faux-pas, cause some damage, or just be an outright a$$hole sometime in the course of my day. that is the price i pay for being human and not some sort of recovery saint. i can allow my head to take over and dig and dig until i figure out where exactly i developed the need to act in that manner, or i can let it go, chock it up to being human, admit my misdeeds and make repairs, and move on to my next encounter. OR i can miserably replay the whole incident over and over and over again, mentally masturbating, instead of moving on.
o0f course, i probably live somewhere between these two extremes, and for me, i can accept that today. at least i can see the ends of the spectrum and as a result learn to live in the middle. so with that thought in mind -- it is off to face the real world.
so long and thanks for all the fish.
okay, a very little joke there, the so long part not the root cause. while that answer simplifies everything, it does not excuse me behavior in the past, present or future. i still have to work steps, i still will have more fourth step inventories to do, and i will still have to apply myself to living the program. the manner in which this reading applies to me, is that i get stuck taking my inventory in my head. the informal judge, jury and executioner that lives with twenty-four hours a day, every day of my life, is a far more deadly distraction than a never ending fourth step, at least for me. of course for someone else, who knows, certainly not me. so as i sit here and ponder the deeper implications of this reading for me, i see that like the mythical addict in the reading, i need to let go of the constant self-examination and recrimination and move into the solution. yes,, i am human, yes i interact with other humans, and yes, as a consequence i am going to make a mistake, a faux-pas, cause some damage, or just be an outright a$$hole sometime in the course of my day. that is the price i pay for being human and not some sort of recovery saint. i can allow my head to take over and dig and dig until i figure out where exactly i developed the need to act in that manner, or i can let it go, chock it up to being human, admit my misdeeds and make repairs, and move on to my next encounter. OR i can miserably replay the whole incident over and over and over again, mentally masturbating, instead of moving on.
o0f course, i probably live somewhere between these two extremes, and for me, i can accept that today. at least i can see the ends of the spectrum and as a result learn to live in the middle. so with that thought in mind -- it is off to face the real world.
∞ DT ∞