Blog entry for:

DO NOT bring about emotional and spiritual recovery. over the past few days, i have been writing about and having a very unsatisfying interaction with a person, who one was of major importance in my life. they left and it hurt. they flit back into my life from time to time, and when they come back it is always the same, we get together, we talk, we promise to keep in touch and we never do. i understand that relationships take two people to participate, and i am at the point in my life that having any sort of long term relationship with a butterfly is no longer acceptable to me. so in response to the pain, i was harsh and more than likely cruel, my bad. instead of telling them how i felt, i reacted to the pain, with more than a bit of anger and who knows what the result will end up being. for me, it means owning my wrong and moving on, in exactly the same old way, because if i want the relationship, i will have to accept them as they are.
before i continue down the road of what was, time to shout out about what is:

Chuck C
CONGRATS on 25 years clean today
thank you for showing me that recovery and
long-term clean time are not mutually exclusive

as i consider the SIXTH STEP, i am seeing more and more, that pain is such a motivating factor in my life, even when i am clueless that i am hurting. as much as i would love to say, that i am motivated by wanting to be more, it always seems to be that i want less, less pain, less chaos, less of people leaving and less of the life i once had. with each passing day, i am more unsatisfied with who i am and becoming less resistant to the change that is coming, and for me that means pain, pain and even more pain, even though in the long run, less pain is the end result. this morning as i am considering all of this and what feels like the weight of the world upon my shoulders, i think i will stop, take a breath and get on with my day. i have a phone interview, a drug test, a trip to the auto mechanic, acupuncture, a meeting and some face-time with one sponsee and letter to write to another. oh yeah, if i find the time,. some work to do and bills to pay, and yet as i sit here, i am starting to get what the sponse was talking about less than two weeks ago, when we sat down to get rolling on my current assignment. it is my resistance to change that is the source of my pain and the barrier between me and STEP SEVEN. so i will let go, just a little bit and allow what will be, to be, after all, there is so little that i have any power over, that i might as well take up that mantle and leave the rest to the powers that be. it is a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞