Blog entry for:

i have to move on in my program. well, i am not one of those who lingers on writing inventories of any sort, in fact i am more likely to put off writing one, until the pain of doing so, is less than the pain of not doing it. that, however is a topic for another day.
before i get rolling

8766 days (24 years) in a row clean,
simply amazing Chuck C
Congrats on doing it one day at a time

so on to the the mind dump…
sitting here this morning, i am struck by how obsessive i can be over someone else's sh!t. i know the reason why, i love them and i want them to be happy and of course, i know better. the biggest thing, is it is so much easier to look at how they are messing up and see the way out for them. spending that sort of energy and giving that much power up to them, is a whole lot easier than looking at the uncomfortable revelations that are being revealed to me, as i walk this path of recovery. of course, when i get grumpy for lack of good sleep, because i obsessed all nigh, i can say it was all so and so's fault, they made me restless, they stole my sleep, because they are hurting someone i love and i am going to expend every bit of power i have making sure they get their just desserts. how neatly i can get rid of my part, my responsibility and place the blame anywhere but on me. the real truth is i am powerless, i am diverting and justifying, doing my best to avoid doing anything that will make me a better person and taking on stuff that is not mine. which is just a different form of the behavior the reading was speaking about this morning. diverting myself with spiritual camouflage to keep me from doing what i know is the next right thing. the result is the same, i GET to stay sick and i GET to not do the next right thing and nothing outside changes one little jot, because of my obsession.
so it goes…
where do i go from here? well into the shower silly, then off to Boulder for a meeting, then back to town for a bit of work , then back to Boulder for service and maybe, in the midst of all that tripping, i can stop tripping about what others are doing and focus on what is really important, moving forward in my program of recovery. that sounds like a plan that i can accomplish today, one minute at a time.

∞ DT ∞