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i have it all under control, by sweeping it under the carpet.
lucky me, i am now on STEP THREE. actually i am grateful that i get to move on, as this little dip into looking at the nature of my insanity is far from comfortable. once upon a time, i might have written five or more pages, postulating on what the nature of my insanity is, why i felt that way, and how i got there. i would have dove head first into burying the essence of what i was feeling under a mountain of words, clever metaphors, clichés and bon mots. sure, on paper it would have appeared i was BIGGER, BADDER and BETTER than all my peers, after all, how many can write a five page thesis on how i have come to believe after fifty years, that the story based in “i am not okay,” is a lie that i have grafted onto my identity and my DNA, is the TRUTH. for me, i have discovered, much to my chagrin, that less is certainly more when it come to writing steps and getting to the core of the issue at hand. while i may have only HOPE today, that i can be restored to sanity, i can work on developing the FAITH in that process as i move along.

Chuck C.,
Thirty-one (31) years clean.
Congrats, my friend. I have FAITH,
that if this gig can work for you, it can continue to work for me!

it was far from surprising to me, that after admitting i lacked FAITH, but was filled with HOPE, my sponse allowed me to move along to STEP THREE. the SECOND STEP is clearly a process and i am certainly well along the way. i do not quite feel as if i am in STEP THREE, yet, but i do know that will come. it is awkward having FAITH that the recovery process that i have adopted as my life will keep me clean, when i lack the FAITH that the POWER that fuels my recovery has the ability to release me from the insanity that is my life today. the irony of having so much but so little FAITH, hardly escapes me, but certainly fits me like a glove. i am a walking contradiction and as i explored the insanity of my life today, it became quite evident that IF i am going to live as the person i am, there may be some steep grades, yet to climb.
the reading this morning, reminds me that it is quality not quantity that is important for me. sure i can write tons of pages, but in the end, what is it that i am truly seeking to say. it was weird when my sponse told me that we were a certain “kind” of addict in recovery, last night. i know that did not mean we were unique and of some class beyond our peers. no what i got out of that statement is that, for me, after a bit of clean-time, it is tough to see life through the eyes of the newest members. i can hang with them, talk with them, feel compassion and empathy for them, which is certainly all good. HOWEVER, when it comes down to it, i need to get my clues to living clean from the members who have a bit more clean-time, than the newest of new. what i get from the newcomer is a reminder of what i once was and certainly could be again. what i get from those who have managed to put together a bit of time, is how to keep recovery relevant in my life and continue to fuel my passion for the fellowship that has given me this life. i may be a crusty old recovery fart, but i am glad i have found a home and maybe BIGGER, BADDER and BETTER can find its place where it needs to be, just for today.

∞ DT ∞