Blog entry for:

of addiction or life in general, as i have found the means to make choices in my life, through my FAITH in the program of recovery that has brought me this far. the reading speaks of being stuck in the inventory process and how infinite writing about what was and perhaps what is, is not a healthy or sound strategy for ongoing recovery. generally that is not an issue for me. yes, i have a tendency to be self-deprecating and cynical, especially when it comes to my recovery program. as i shared last night, i was clueless that the last time i used, was going to end up being THE last time i used. the amazing part of this journey, is none of it has gone as i planned and for that i am grateful today.

Chuck C,
Thirty-two (32) years of JFTs.
Congrats my friend.

what i “felt” this morning, as i came back to the here and now was a sense of mystery about how someone such as myself, could ever lose the desire to use, and better yet, tell on himself when he was setting himself up for a “freebie.” yes, i neglected to tell my oral surgeon that i was an addict and when i go for my procedure tomorrow, unless i do so, i will walk out of that office with two prescriptions, one for antibiotics and the other for pain. i may still end-up with both of those prescriptions, but i will let the surgeon know that i am an addict and what i used is not the issue here. the issue here, is that the part of me oi call addiction cannot tell the difference between medication for the pain following a procedure and medication to “numb” the effects of living in the real world.
it has been two days, since i moved on to my FOURTH STEP and true to form, i am still whining about that event. ironically it looks like a similar event occurred a year ago, when i moved from STEP TWO to STEP THREE and i am not sure how comfortable i am being a member of the “step of the year” club. the reality of my situation is that i have no desire to use and i revel in the fact that i have a CHOICE today, that opens my horizons. i often hear my peers sharing about how the path gets steeper and narrower and am beginning to think i do not understand what they are talking about. for me, each day clean, seems to give me more options in my life and each option has its set of consequences. when i want to choose the easier, softer path, i have to remember to consider those consequences and accept them for what they may be: undesirable outcomes. getting rid of my partial denture is a good thing and one i have the financial capacity to cover. walking out of a medical professional's office with a “license to use,” maybe not so much. taking care of myself often involves trade-offs and over the next thirty hours, it will be up to me, to decide which path this addict will choose to follow.

∞ DT ∞