Blog entry for:

there is to know about why i was the way i was, or perhaps as i am.not really a bad task to undertake until i come up against the EVERYTHING clause, which changes everything.
it just may be that the longer i stay clean, the less i have the desire to know why i did everything i ever did and the more desire i have to alter the manner in which i behave. sure every now and again, sometimes on a daily basis, i trip across a character defect or three, triggered by feelings of jealousy, envy, entitlement or imagined harm and i need to figure out was is going on, but for the most part, i am quite happy accepting that i used because i am an addict and i am an addict, because that is what is. no deep thought, required, what is, just is. speaking of what is:

Chuck C
Thirty (30) years clean, today.
Congrats, my friend, thank you for doing it just for today
for so many days in a row, you give me HOPE, that i, too, can stay clean another day.

back to what i know and what i know that i do not know, and how to bridge that gap. one of things i know that i do not know, is why i am an addict. there was a time when i really, really wanted to know the why of that and i believed that working a FOURTH STEP would provide me that answer. as the reading states, i certainly took a deep dive, looking fro the cause and conditions. although i may not have been obsessed about it, to the point where it prevented me from sharing my FOURTH STEP and moving on, the question nagged at me for quite some time. letting go and moving forward, seemed counter-intuitive, as i am of the type who always want to know, BUT i did move forward and was rewarded with a path out of how i behaved and how i saw myself. since that very first FOURTH STEP through NINTH STEP cycle and each subsequent one, the question of why has remained unanswered. oh i have my theories, my opinions and my beliefs, but the truth is i do NOT know, why i am an addict, and the why is no longer important, as i accept who i am and see a path to becoming something more. that becoming is the focus of how i work the steps, and it is also the core of how i guide the men i sponsor through the steps.
when i followed a more Occidental spiritual path, i could fall back on the cliché that: “GOD made me this way and GOD does not makes mistakes.” as comforting as that once was, i see that phrase today, as the means to make myself feel better about being an addict. coming from the other side, as my spiritual path is Oriental, it just accept that i what i am, and need not give myself the comfort of being created for some divine plan, any longer, i just am. IF i want more from myself and my life, then i need to remove the whys and wherefores from how i see my place in this world, and just stop fretting about it, it really is that simple. just for today, i am okay being what i am and i think it is time to take care of the rest of the stuff i need to get done with, today.

∞ DT ∞