Blog entry for:

this has always presented problems for me. i do not really want to honestly name my behavior by its proper name. the example in this morning's reading of people-pleasing is perfect. putting a "spin" on a defect by choosing a "nice" sounding name allows me to continue to lie to myself about my true nature.
procrastination, sounds a whole lot better than saying i am too lazy or too afraid to what is in front of me.
saying "oh it is okay that you did that to me" and inside raging against that asshole and planning to "get even", may appear to me that i am being accepting and forgiving, when actually i am being passive-aggressive
and so it goes....
whenever i choose to "spin" my behavior it is a warning sign to me that something is wrong. my disease has taught me how to be an excellent liar to myself and i actually believe the lies i tell myself. that is why i have a sponsor, attend meetings and keep in touch with my friends on a regular basis, they can expose the lie and show me the TRUTH and once again help me to live another day clean.
self-delusion is one of the defects my disease likes to use the most, after all, if i hear the lie often enough it seems to be TRUE. my only defense against the self-defeating lies my disease tells me, is the process of critical self-examination that the steps teach me, a loving GOD, and my friends that share this journey with me.
while i will never be free from self-delusion or dishonesty, i can and do recover by doing what i have done since starting on this path.
∞ DT ∞