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while it is certainly true, i like to minimize and spin my character defects into something they are not, sometimes i go the other direction and maximize and demonize them as well.
with that lead in one might suspect that this will be a blog about self-esteem, and it is, but not quite. what i heard this morning when the dawg gave me a minute to listen, was that this is about humility, that is knowing WHO i am, and WHAT my place is in the world around me. defects as well as assets are part of that package, which is greater than the sum of its parts. yes i hear those affirmations starting to creep in, and yet, that is a true fact. i am not just a collection of my attributes, but so much more.
kerning to identify what i am and am not, has been a long lesson, and one that has been worth every bit of blood, sweat and tear i have expended along the way. first and foremost i am an addict in recovery, which means i have choices today. i may not be able to will my defects away, or always live in the solution, BUT i can see what my defects are and CHOOSE whether or not i want to act on them. i can be arrogant, standoffish and judgmental, those are however behaviors arising from the low esteem i built up across the course of active addiction. i can also be humble, empathetic, warm and welcoming, those are the value that i uncovered as a result of this process, and ones that i cherish and try to consciously foster in my daily life. i am not some sort of Sybil, with multiple people within, that live separate lives and do their best to keep them from intersecting, those days are long gone, that is what i was, and that is what i could once again become, if i choose to turn my back on the program of recovery that is my life today. leaving the rooms to live the life i have been given, while attractive is not an option i choose to exercise. i understand where my power to stay clean comes from and i have been given the grace to live clean and recover from the POWER that fuels my recovery, through the 12 step program i do my bet to live today. that grace is contingent on me doing certain things and i see what happens to those who decide that maybe they do not need the program after all. i do not want to be just a defective character, as that is what happens to me, when i step away. i know this because, i have done just that, stepped away for just a minute and allowed addiction to return to my life.
so ye, i can be a people-pleaser, i can be lazy, i can be a whole lot of not so savory things, but first and foremost i desire to be a person i only once dreamed of being, and that man can only exists if i surrender to the program and allow it to make the changes that need to be made. which is exactly what i think i will do today, it is after all a great day to be more than i was yesterday.

∞ DT ∞