Blog entry for:

is one way to avoid looking at my character defects. this morning i woke up 90 minutes early and had issues falling back to sleep. the two things that were on my mind, were my job and the little tempest that is going on in the local fellowship. neither were things i could do anything about at 3 AM and both play to my own defects of character. the former, a sense of entitlement and chagrin about being forced to level up or move along. the latter defending the faith from the infidels that are out to sink the local fellowship. as i sat this morning, i recognized the absurdity of both of those beliefs and that holding on to my feelings about them was not going to help me achieve the results i desire. i want to keep my job, so nerding harder is at the core of that goal. i am not sure what outcome i desire from the other, but i do know that renting space in my head to the “resistance,” will not help me achieve the goal of keeping my job. i can also say that the latter is pushing all sorts of buttons and as i hear the whines from the peanut gallery about “hurt” feelings and having to “disengage due to mental health issues,” i have to wonder whether or not i am reading the room correctly.
what is really pushing my buttons in this whole controversy, is the fact that i feel played, lied to and minimized to the point of being irrelevant. it is not the first time i have been backed into that sort of box and it certainly will not be the last. my reaction was far from ideal and even though i asked for a simple task to be done, someone else decided not to take the time or effort to complete and moved along with their agenda. i now have the evidence i lacked when i formed my opinion of who they are and what they are about. as a result of that confirmation, i know now that i will never again put myself in a place where i can be abused by them again. i also know that i am going to have to take major steps to keep my opinions of how they act in service from coloring my personal relationship with them. i am already leery of trusting them with anything, as i have fear that the knife in my back is ready to strike at any minute.
so it goes, life in this flawed addict's world is not too terribly bad today and getting my act together to get out and workout is certainly next on my agenda this morning. i can be okay letting go, the world will not end if i do not get my way and changing my focus to my professional life and leaving my service life behind, is not a bad thing to do, just for today.

∞ DT ∞