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i can let go of them and get on with my new life. well that is the theory anyhow. so the reading goes on about this and that, and how i can avoid seeing what the TRUE nature of my defects are, by misnaming them. i know for a fact i have written about that before, so i will just say that is quite a trick in my arsenal of denial. after all, IF i name something defective with an internally politically correct moniker, i can tell myself that is who i am, look like i am practicing some humility and move on. when all the time i am looking for a manner of excusing myself from allowing something that needs to be removed, to actually be removed. anyhow, the rest is preaching to the choir. i am guilty as charged, i accept that i want to see myself in a better light. i accept that i am quite comfortable with some of my character defects and as a result will do whatever i need to do, to keep them around, including but not limited to, using denial to ignore them.
so on to the next topic…
last night i GOT to be a witness to more than one act of courage. there is a long and complicated story that i could spin, to further explain, but there really is no point to doing so, after all, it is what it is. the ONE act that really impressed me was an addict came to a meeting where they did not feel safe, fully aware that the one person who made them feel unsafe was present, and after we had already parted ways. me to go to the meeting i attend on a semi-regular basis on Tuesday night, them off to wherever. much to my surprise, a few minutes after we parted ways, there they were, when they shared, they did not spew the venom they had accumulated inside, they actually told on themselves. they actually owned up to NEEDING a meeting to allow recovery to trump FEAR. the best part was that they DID NOT DIE FROM A FEELING!
although that really impressed me, that was not the only act of courage i was witness to last night, the others were just as incredible and without a doubt rooted in the same NEED to allow recovery to trump FEAR. which brings me to where i think i have been going since i sat down to write this. in my life, i hide behind FEAR, so i need not explore FAITH. using my need for rational explanations and a preponderance of evidence, i refuse to move in FAITH, allowing FEAR to dominate my life and my recovery, which is the paradigm i am in the process of leaving behind. not that i believe i will be one of those who live in pure FAITH, but i can and will be on of those who believe in the program and has FAITH that IF i continue to do what i have been doing, i will get the chance to recover one more day. i will get to witness what i NEED to witness and in the long run i will not be one of those ‘hater,’ or one of those who NEEDS to label others as a ‘hater.’ no i will be able to accept others are who they are, and if they make me uncomfortable, what i need to explore is not what they are doing, but what i see in myself that triggers my uncomfortable feeling. chances are, it is not them that needs repairing, it is me, myself and i.
i GET it now. it is my reaction to others, that provides the insight into who i am and what i need to LET GO of today. so off to the showers to see how much i can get done in this particular slice of time.

∞ DT ∞