Blog entry for:

describing my behaviors to myself and friends, peers and my sponsor, i receive the ability to see them for what they are: indications of one or more character defects that i can let go of and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to remove from me. this is certainly one of my favorite topics, character defects and how to allow for them in my life and of course, this has nothing to do with me, as i have already let mine go, surrendered them into the care of a HIGHER POWER and moved on down the road towards recovery nirvana. LA-DE-DAH!
seriously though: arrogance is not self-assurance, aggressiveness is not assertiveness, conceit is not self-awareness, just to list off a few things that i can claim as my own. when i attempt to trick myself into believing that none of those traits are less than desirable by telling myself that “GOD does not make mistakes and HE made me this way, so these must be how HE intended me to be,” i miss the whole point of what this recovery journey is all about: becoming a better version of the person who walked into the rooms all those days ago. for this addict, who seems to relish self-flagellation, the “made this way” argument feels like the perfect escape hatch. i am after all, only human and as such will never be as God-like as possible.
yes, lying to myself by hiding the truth is quite a familiar exercise. here on day 13 of my nicotine abstinence i had the notion, that this was not paying off, i would have the desire to smoke the rest of my life, so why not give it up and succumb to that internal pressure and hang out the cigar shop this afternoon and enjoy my vice. attempting to sabotage my effort to be a better person, especially when it comes to things i think i “enjoy” is also a very familiar behavior. back in the days between my first meeting and my clean date, finding those gaps when no one was looking, was my overarching concern and i feel that i am once again falling into that trap. i do not feel that much different without nicotine in my life, except for the gnawing presence of what i think i am missing. when asked if i felt better, now that i am not smoking, i really could not say. the results are not showing up in my exercise routine, nor in how i feel about my general health, so the lie is commencing that the rewards are not coming, so why bother. that is no different than being entirely ready to have my defects removed and yet they are not instantly lifted from me, as i crave instant feedback and results.
that my friend is life in this big city today. for me, i have the DESIRE to continue on with what i am doing top be a physically better version of myself, which means no tobacco, just for today. it also means it is time to put this to bed and head on out to my home group, after all the gifts i have been given only keep coming if i keep doing what i have been doing, just for right now.

∞ DT ∞