Blog entry for:

as time passes, and i seek help from trusted sources, i become progressively better to identify my character defects, calling them by their true names.
ah denial, what a wonderful shield from reality. even after a bit of clean time and some step cycles, i fall victim to my own denial system. yes, i know that i am addict, and have no doubt that addiction pervades my entire being and colors my actions and reactions. denial allows me to live comfortably with the consequences of my less than savory behaviors, and allows me to use language to spin the symptoms of my addiction into something more acceptable. i can use the examples in the reading, or come up with more of my own, but what it really comes down is the same sort of admission that got me clean in the first place. if i sugar-coat my behaviors, supposedly the pill is less bitter to swallow, and i can tell myself that and walk through my days in the ignorant bliss.
so where did i learn this? well for one from the example of those who have more clean time than i do. i see them acting in ways and when asked they provide me the very ammunition i need to maintain the salvos against my wall of denial.
how do i change this? well, for one, i can look to what is happening around me, return my perceptions to what others are saying and doing, listening to what they are really telling me, and when i am confused going to my sponsor or trusted confidantes for some clarity. i understand that i am POWERLESS over the removal of my character defects except when it come to the WILLINGNESS to have them removed. and that WILLINGNESS is dependent on cracking the seemingly impervious shield of denial that i carefully constructed over the course of living.
so my HOPE for today, is that i become better able to identify my defects of character, and grow the willingness to have them removed. life is far too short to be living in the land of denial, because all i am doing is denying myself the opportunity to grow.

∞ DT ∞