Blog entry for:

able to identify my character defects and call them by their true names. at least once a year, i get to dive in and wallow in the nature of my defects of character and although working STEP SIX, is painful and tedious, there is some perverse joy, when this reading rolls around. yes i got to act out on my defects a few days ago. i was self-righteous and worst of all, i did not let the person i was having a private heated discussion with, know that they were posting their responses and mine for the whole discussion list to see. i could say that they should have known better, or i am unsure of what their motives were, and that would be true. in reality i took a great deal of perverse pleasure in watching them embarrass themselves in front of our peers. i made sure my responses, that i sent ONLY to them were reasonable and rational, knowing full well after the first round, that each response would trigger even more venom and that they would post to the group. quite a nasty feat, but boy did i look good, at someone else's expense. was this all a conscious act? not really i was well into before i stopped to consider what oi was doing, and it was my TENTH STEP, later that evening that revealed the true nature of my anger, indignation and yes the pleasure i took it letting someone burn themselves down.
anyhow, this morning. without lots of tasks screaming for my attention, i am in the spot to get ready to roll on out. i know what i am and i am getting better at seeing the true nature of why i do things. most of it stems from fighting the belief that if i cannot be the best, why bother? when i allow someone to burn themselves down in public, i look like i am the best, so it leads to me throwing gasoline on the fire. which i did quite well the other day. this morning i feel the guilt and the pain, but i will not allow either of those feelings turn into shame or a resentment. the past is done and over with and i will move into today, cognizant that there is a better me, just waiting to be revealed.

∞ DT ∞