Blog entry for:

i am dishonest and manipulative.
just as the government spins violating the privacy of its law-abiding citizens protecting them from mythical harm, so i name my character defects to protect my fragile ego from harm. yes the excuse the government uses to protect the many from the harm of a very few, is no different than the one i use for myself. the act of misnaming my defects of character, is a lie to cover my own tracks. even worse, i what i am really seeking is an excuse to keep on doing what i am doing. be dishonest with myself about what it is that i am doing, allows me to believe that others cannot detect how flawed i still am, and keeps me sick. the list goes on: “laid back” equals irresponsible; “traditional” equals intolerant; and so on. the point being, that until i am ready to look at what i really am, and let go of all those traits that do not contribute to my well-being, well, i am just plain sick. no spin there/.
so in the back of my mind, i hear the voice, that beating myself up, is also a character defect and one that the part of me i call addiction, uses to its advantage most of the time. it is called perfectionism! yes i want to see myself as perfect and anything short of that ideal, is a fail to the major degree. that part of me, still see the world in black and white and letting go of the notion that somehow, i should be better than i am, is well, just as sick as being lazy and saying there is after all, nothing i can do to change, that is up to the POWER that fuels my recovery.
nasty neighborhood, when i get into it, and certainly no place for me to walk alone. the reading suggests that even with a POWER that fuels my recovery as part of my life, i STILL require the help of a sponsor, closed-mouth friends and my peers in recovery. that notion fits well with who i am and how i see that POWER. yes the quiet inner voice that i hear, can only be augmented by the input of my trusted associates in recovery, regardless of how much or how little clean time they have. more often than not, i hear and see what i need to, from those who are just starting out on this journey and see what not to do from those who profess to “walk the talk,” as it were.
anyhow, it is a good day to be brutally honest, ignore the fact that i am far from perfect and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to do ITs work. as the reading also suggest i can walk in FAITH, that if allow it, that POWER will remove all my defects of character, one day at a time.

∞ DT ∞