Blog entry for:

not quite, it means i lie about my feelings, my beliefs, and my needs, trying to soothe others into compliance with my wishes. this just happens to be one of my favorite examples of how misnaming one of my character defects, allows me to ignore it or even worse pretend it is not there. before i launch into this, a bit of check-in is requires. yes, i am tired of the snow and cold, and cannot wait for the weather to return to what may be considered "average" for this time of year. yes i am a bit disconcerted about one of my clients going away. and yes, i have been lazy over the past few days and not done any fitness work. so it is no wonder, that i am a bit out of sorts so to speak, spiritually, emotionally and physically. my plan? well i am going to do a work out as soon as i post this particular ditty and bill all the clients i have been meaning to bill and take a deep breath and let myself calm down and be present for what is going on, oh yeah, do a bit of step work with one of my sponsees who happened to send me his work last night.
so with that out of the way, the next question is what, if any character defects am i deluding myself about today? am i being aggressive and calling it assertive? am i being lazy and calling it **kicked-back**? as those examples clearly illustrate it is not the misnaming of character defects that i have a problem with, it is mislabeling the behaviors and deluding myself that they are spiritual when actually they are not. it is a nice piece of sophistry, and when it works, can be, oh so comforting, the problem? well, when the bubble of self-delusion bursts, i am left in a world of hurting as i then have to go back and clean-up the damage i have caused, by acting-out. the irony here, is that i work steps and practice a program of active recovery, is that i do get better, HOWEVER, the part of me i call addiction does also. it gets better at deceiving me, and disguising my actions with spiritual camouflage. the cure? well for one being present for what the people around me are trying to tell me, by paying attention to not only what they are saying, but their body language, facial expressions and how they say it. it is after all, how the POWER that keeps me clean tells me i am f*cking up.
so off to the basement to get back on a physical track and get rid of the growing lethargy i have accumulated over the past few days. it is a good day to recover and to be aware of who i am and what i am really doing.

∞ DT ∞