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so what is this feeling of creeping malaise all about? maybe it is time to stretch my potential to its fullest. my possibilities are only limited by what i can dream.

first off:
Congrats on 31 years clean Linda L

bidness is done, so now i can get down to thinking about this topic. right now, there is no boredom in my life, i am quite satisfied with what i have and am working hard to hold on to it. in fact, right now everything is a bit more in flux that i like, emotionally, spiritually, physically and in my relationship with the fellowship that allows me to be free from active addiction. so i could stop right here and say that the reading does not apply and move into my day, which is certainly a full one!
what i heard after i finally settled in, was not the explicit message of the reading, rather the quieter message of being grateful for the ability to work through the changes that are going on within my life, and have the HOPE that things will once again settle into a routine again, someday.
no what i have been feeling is not the ennui of long term clean-time. what i have been feeling is exhaustion dealing with all the changes that are swirling around me, and wanting them all to stop, no matter what the consequences are. i do not pray for that, i gratefully accept that i am being given a choice on how to move forward and i see that at the end of this phase of my existence, i can be clean, happy and securely ensconced in the program that allows me to be present for all of this.
i had my annual physical exam on Wednesday morning and my physician told me to keep on doing what i have been doing. i know he was speaking about my physical health, he even presented a solution for my seemingly never-ending sore heel. which by the way is already responding to his suggestions. although we did not talk explicitly about my emotional or mental state, and did not even get close to my physical state, i took away from that thirty minutes the notion to continue all the fitness routines i have developed. sure he saw the results of my physical fitness routine in my lipid profile and on the fat deposits left on my upper body. through our conversation he probably glimpsed my emotional and mental fitness that can be attributed to living a program, and the fact that i even think enough of my physical health to see a doctor every year speaks to my spiritual fitness, i am worth it.
this brief inventory reinforces my daily decision to stay clean and most importantly to do what i need to do, to be present for the challenges life sends my way today, which i already know to be a few. so it is off to the streets for a light workout and see what i can accomplished as this day moves forward. it is a good day to be living the 12 steps to the best of my ability.

∞ DT ∞