Blog entry for:

meaningful, varied, and fulfilling, if i look for the new and completely different.
boring, monotonous and dull? not so much.
chaotic and unpredictable, well maybe a little, but not like those last days of active addiction and the early days of recovery.
today, i have a very full life, and yes, there are stretches of time, when my routine takes over and i feel in a “rut,” just as there are stretches of time, when i wish everything would get a bit more predictable and less varied, but for the most part, my life today balances those two elements quite nicely. the reading speaks to me on a different level. i was able to sit last night, quietly, without me telling myself the outlandish tales of what i did and did not do yesterday. i also had the ability to sit this morning, and as a result of a return to that rut, i feel differently about what the reading is speaking to me about, this morning.
on the surface., it feels as if saying that getting in a rut that resembles the life of the other 85%, may not be a bad thing, even if it feels like one to me. going to work, having dinner with my significant other, participating in my recovery and all of that may seem at times to be so fVcking boring, that one might want to scream. it is however, what keeps me sane. i hate to say it, but i am creature of habit, and i like being fairly certain of at least the general shape of my day. there have been times when anything that changed that shape, both in active addiction and in recovery, was something to be avoided at all costs and shunned with extreme prejudice. today, i can, however, make the plans, and allow the outcomes to happen, i need not expect anything and as i told one of my peers last night, expectations are simply premeditated resentments.
so over the routine of day to day living, i have quite a varies and at times chaotic life in recovery. one never knows when the men who choose to call me their sponsor will need me. or when one of my peers or friends will require a kick in the a$$ or a hand to help them out of the sh!t they have found themselves in. or even worse, i find myself feeling pout of sorts with the program, everyone in it and all its attendant drama, trauma and general bullsh!t. after all, i am not dealing with stable and sane population, by any means, and it does not take much to set some of them spinning off into the land of Nod, as it were. nor does it take much for me to to start expanding the distance between me and the rest of them, so the i do not get splattered in the fallout of their sh!t. when drama become the routine, i seem to run for the hills.
what does this have to do with being in a rut? well although i like routine, i am n ot overly fond of being bored. in active addiction, i could stir the pot and get some chaos boiling up. in recovery, i still could do the same, and i am quite certain that without much effort, that result could be accomplished today. i CHOOSE however, to take my cue from the reading and look for something new to change things up. i am okay with having a routine. i am okay with going to the same meetings every week. and most of all i am okay with the speed bumps and the sudden twists and turns life throws at me from time to time. what i am saying is that, just for today, i am not bored, even though i am living out a routine. rut or not, it is a good life today and one that makes me grateful for another day clean.

∞ DT ∞