Blog entry for:

and boring.
once upon a time, chaos was my rut. even though i rarely left my house after coming home from work, when i did, chaos seemed to follow me, as i created it. that was then, and this is now. what i once saw as boring, i now see as serenity and security. living the life i have, may look “normal” and is certainly dull when compared to active addiction, BUT, and it is certainly a big one, i happen to be grateful for thew ability to break out of day-to-day living and disappearing for a week at a time, to tropical climes. that is a result of the routine average days, that i experience, most of the time. i need to digress a bit here and acknowledge someone who has been doing this a whole lot longer than i have:

Linda L.
38 years of doing this gig,
Just For Today.
Congratulations, on another trip around the sun, clean.

as i was sitting in the meeting last night, waiting for a break in the sharing to chime in, i had a bit of a revelation. it may not be what i was looking for, but it certainly was an insight. anyhow, i begin to wonder if the reason why i am so obsessed lately with the period of time between my first meeting and when i fin ally became a members, is because that was what it took for me to finally get the gift of desperation.
my sponse once said, that my desperation was there just much quieter. he also said he did not get, being in the rooms and planning my next use. at the time, we just moved along and continued the process of recovery, that has become so routine to me. the bumps along the road, especially learning how to feel my way through to the next right thing instead of think myself out of the box. that process, and it has been one, has created within me, more than one irony with my daily routine. when i started this round of steps, i was barely doing a 10TH step and struggling to get five minutes of meditation in my 11TH. my notion of GOD, HIGHER POWER, spirituality and religion, was more than tangled up and confused, and a whole bunch of that confusion came from that period of two years when i was fronting recovery, talking as if, i had some and trying my best not to be assimilated. the internal struggle to look like something i was not, grew greater every day, even though i was well-practiced at it, after all my addiction was all about being anything than i really was.
a couple of step cycles, stripped away all of my pretensions and when i started this set of steps, i was quite certain there would be no surprises, nothing new to uncover and i would cruise through with no angst, very little spiritual growth and my life would be the same, albeit a little more better, on the other side. that, however, did not turn out to be the case and here i am now, with a firm grasp on my spiritual path, confident that i can carry that into the work i do with others and my fellowship, without separating myself from my peers. this set of steps has created a new “rut,” as it were and one that brings me a pleasant surprise on nearly a daily basis. my experience with coming to believe and quitting the fight, has encompassed this entire step cycle and today, the echoes of what i was, are being spilled out in what i share. i know that one or more of my peers, are fronting their recovery and i also know it is not up to me, to figure out who they are. the days of “j'accuse,” seem to be winding down. what i am getting today, is certainly a certain serenity in a bit of certainty in my life, that i certainly once thought was boring, monotonous and routine. i could go crazy and often do, but the periods of pure insanity i experience, come less often and leave me feeling less satisfied than before, and that i am coming to believe is a good thang! on that happy note, i will will wrap this up by saying it is a good day to be clean, be home and have the dawg curled up behind my chair, things are the way they are supposed to be, right here and right now.

∞ DT ∞