๐ vaguely dissatisfied ๐
Posted: Sat, Mar 12, 2022 08:42:06 AM
with my recovery? well maybe not, but i am certainly dissatisfied with some of the garbage i have been holding on to, and holding on to far too tightly. this morning, i do believe i have found a sweet spot where i can live in this moment and drop the load of sh!t i have been carrying, into the bit bucket. although nothing has changed, externally anyhow. internally i felt the shift when i stopped and listened with my heart. it was during my morning meditation that i realized i had said my bit, had done so without diminishing the worth of anyone else and without having to apologize for having my own opinion on this matter. all of that took about ten seconds and <BOOM> i was freed, at least just for right now.
after that little bit of a rude awakening, i “got” to see myself and the “rut” i have been in, since the start of lock-down in these plague times. i realize that i have immersed myself in an echo chamber: socially, politically and the most dangerous of all, spiritually. it has been nice, not having to think for myself, for the most part. life is a cinch when everything is predigested and transformed into a version of pablum that i happen to find delicious. what i have learned over the past six months is that i, too, have become a zealot about a whole lot stuff that really does not have any effect on me. i allowed the echo chamber to tell me that i was correct and that ANYTHING i did, to further that righteous cause was not only called for, but required. right or wrong, i was stuck in a cycle of circular reasoning, discarding anything that might break that cycle, and grasping for any straws that would feed that beast. as i was hiking in the sub-zero wind chill above ten thousand feet yesterday, i began to see that my life, more importantly the manner in which i perceive the world had become “frozen” in time and i was missing the forest for all the trees.
right here and right now, i am ready for something new and in a week, the opportunity to do just that, will be a part of my life. this week will be a heavy coding week, as i have two projects that i did not even start on my desk, after i decided to take the money and run. both of them will be great practice and all the “training” i have been doing will be expressed in getting these projects done and possibly implemented in some version on my website. certainly, i am making no promises, even to myself. i really believe that i am starting to dig myself out of the rut i have so nicely constructed and furnished, day by day, spoonful by spoonful. it is a good day to be clean and a better day to celebrate the fact that i am not owned by the obsession to demonstrate how “right” i can be.
after that little bit of a rude awakening, i “got” to see myself and the “rut” i have been in, since the start of lock-down in these plague times. i realize that i have immersed myself in an echo chamber: socially, politically and the most dangerous of all, spiritually. it has been nice, not having to think for myself, for the most part. life is a cinch when everything is predigested and transformed into a version of pablum that i happen to find delicious. what i have learned over the past six months is that i, too, have become a zealot about a whole lot stuff that really does not have any effect on me. i allowed the echo chamber to tell me that i was correct and that ANYTHING i did, to further that righteous cause was not only called for, but required. right or wrong, i was stuck in a cycle of circular reasoning, discarding anything that might break that cycle, and grasping for any straws that would feed that beast. as i was hiking in the sub-zero wind chill above ten thousand feet yesterday, i began to see that my life, more importantly the manner in which i perceive the world had become “frozen” in time and i was missing the forest for all the trees.
right here and right now, i am ready for something new and in a week, the opportunity to do just that, will be a part of my life. this week will be a heavy coding week, as i have two projects that i did not even start on my desk, after i decided to take the money and run. both of them will be great practice and all the “training” i have been doing will be expressed in getting these projects done and possibly implemented in some version on my website. certainly, i am making no promises, even to myself. i really believe that i am starting to dig myself out of the rut i have so nicely constructed and furnished, day by day, spoonful by spoonful. it is a good day to be clean and a better day to celebrate the fact that i am not owned by the obsession to demonstrate how “right” i can be.
∞ DT ∞