Blog entry for:

eat dinner at the same time every night, attend the same meetings each week. eventually, i realize i want something more. all my needs are being met; my life fuller than i had ever hoped it would be. so what is up? that is always the question, for me, the trick is keeping my recovery fresh and relevant, and my life seems to follow. not that i am complacent, that is hardly the case, no but i find life sometimes a bit on the dull side. the irony is, my life is so much fuller than it was in active addiction that i wonder exactly what is up. my routines back in the day, were get high, go to work, come home, score, get high, watch some tv, get high and maybe go out with one or two of my last remaining friends. pretty dull, and when contrasted to the variety of activities i participate in today it amazes me that i ever would pine for those days of "excitement"!
what the part of me i call my disease says, is that if i am bored it is time to practice some chaos creation. that is one behavior i would like to have permanently exiled to the bit bucket, but even now, when i think about how i could create a bit of ‘harmless’ chaos, i get a smile on my face, so it hardly seems that i am willing to let go of that part of me. good thing i am moving into a seventh step. so what does any of this have to do with monotony? well the part of me that i use to compare my life today with my life in the past is without a doubt busted. i do not care if that happen to be part of being human, or part of being an addict, it is what it is, and what it is a system of denial and rationalization. i look at my past so f*cking romantically, and am so harsh on my present, that of course i am going to think my life sucks, is boring and without any redeeming value. when the actual truth is i am living better than any other time in my life, materially, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. i have a challenging career, that allows me to be a creative problem solver. i am capable of giving and receiving love. and most of all i have a direction to a destination i have yet to grasp. i am finally beginning to understand that it is the journey that is important and not knowing where i am going, and with that in mind, life can hardly be dull and boring. so off to the showers, HAPPY 29th anniversary Linda L, see you all tomorrow.

∞ DT ∞