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i am missing something, although i am clueless about what that **something,** just may be. i have been here, in this exact spot in the past, nothing to really complain about, no extreme unmanageability in my life, very little chaos and feeling content with the person i am today, and yet, there is this buzzing in my ears that i am missing an ingredient to make that equation freaking prefect. these days, i can see where i am powerless and sniff out my insanity without hesitation. i go to meetings, go to work, practice STEPS 10 & 11 on a daily basis, hell i even go on vacation and not run up huge credit card debt and still there is a certain unease in the air. i know of a more than three ways to “shake it up,” and only one of them has consequences that i will find desirable, namely alter my routine a bit and see how i feel afterwards. before i diverge down a different road, the one less traveled, at least by me:

Linda L.,
congrats on 39 years (14,244 days) clean.

part of what i am feeling, if i were to cast some blame around, is that i am not happy at my job and GOD has not dropped a shiny and bright, new job into my life. when thing are going well, i am content with the spiritual path i am on, HOWEVER, when i feel a bit “out of sorts,” the deist, theist man returns and i curse the GOD that made my life so miserable. even after a few days clean, i go back to seeking out something, anything, to blame and pin my troubles upon. that “something,” at least for me is the capricious and vengeful notion of GOD that i came to recovery with in my back pocket. the same GOD, to whom i prayed to, in order to get my ass out of the sh!t-pile i had placed it in, even though i lacked any FAITH that might happened and the i would have a GOD to curse and rail at. so here i am once again, whining about not getting the things i DESIRE and returning to a well-practiced and very familiar set of behaviors, same as it ever was, WTF!
hearing this, as i pound this out, as i certainly did not get up form “sitting” with the notion that GOD was not doing for me, what i could not do for myself, i am starting to see the jigsaw puzzle of how i have been feeling, come into some sort of shape. it is not my spiritual path, the program, my peers or how i am living my program that is the problem. no it is the echoes of the ideas, notions, beliefs and chaos that once ruled my life, that is infecting my serenity once again. those ghosts of the past are chaining me to ideas that i long ago tossed into the bit bucket for disintegration into nothingness. what this is telling me, now that i choose to listen, is that i have made those ideas of GOD and the divine, into the scapegoat of all my issues today, almost as if, no time has passed since i walked away from that belief structure. i now see why my sponse suggested that this set of steps might need to be focused on my spiritual path and how that fits into the current picture of who Don may be. the beliefs i once examined and found useless or even harmful to my continuing progress in recovery, need to be looked at and dealt with, through the context of the path that has chosen me. i am not comfortable enough to do so, hence the months long hesitation at the garden gate. what is it that i am afraid of, these days? based on how i feel today, it is the loss of an object to blame for all of my failings. if i no longer have GOD to blame for my misery, than i need to look to my part in my lack of success and allow the program to make the alterations needed to move forward, and that scares the living shite out of me.
where am i going today? to work and to my out-of-towner meeting, as it has been a minute since i made it up the hill. what i will carry forward from this, is the time has come to let go of what i once “knew” was “true” and feel the shape of truth from my new spiritual perspective, as that elephant has definitely turned to face a new direction.

∞ DT ∞