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once upon a time, not all that long ago, i believed i had this recovery stuff, down pat. i was certain that i **knew** what to do, when to do it and i would ALWAYS know the next right thing to do. life was good, yeah i had a couple of resentments and there were a few of my peers that found me arrogant and unapproachable, but i thought it was their stuff and not mine. i was certain that i was practicing humility and perhaps in some sick and twisted manner that was the case. as my connection to my peers weakened and i got further and further away from the fellowship, i was still pretty sure that i was doing okay. when one of the men i sponsored asked what the FVCK was going on, i said not a damn thing, why? well he told me what i did not want to hear, that i was lapsing in my spiritual program and perhaps i needed to talk to my sponse and get moving on my step work again. that led to a whole new spiritual awakening for me and when i came to, i saw that the lies i had come to believe were true and the resentments that i believed i had resolved, had reared the ugly heads and i was swimming in a pool of denial, self-pity and victimization. releasing that garbage in my FIFTH STEP brought me to a different understanding and freed me to being my journey into becoming the person i never though i would be.
this morning, what bubbled up was the fact that i have been reacting, rather than responding to the little addict who fills my days with drama. i have already shared that she exhibits behaviors that i know very well, and i find that mirror disturbing. each and every time she takes the truth personally and gets all pissy and reactive, i trip into a similar set of behaviors, before i catch myself. what i heard is that i need to be forgiving of her, allow her to be who she happens to be and keep my head quiet and follow my heart. tit-for-tat and an eye for an eye is just not working. her behavior has isolated her from her siblings and cousins and is certainly driving a wedge between myself and her and the only one who can stop that from becoming a canyon, rather than just a crack, is me. her lies and denial need not become part of my story and if i want to be better than i was yesterday, i have to let go of her personal attacks and drama, she has her back against the wall, and unlike me, she cannot paint a door and ask a HIGHER POWER to open it for her, as i did about a decade ago.
this morning as i figure out what i need to do, at work and on the estate stuff, i know that i can pause, breathe and move forward. i am “well” enough t know that i do not “got” this stuff down and that i need to allow my heart to rule when my head starts screaming at me to do fVcking something. it is a good day to allow myself the freedom to let go and see what happens.

∞ DT ∞