Blog entry for:

for this addict, quite a familiar refrain. when i got clean my life was controlled chaos. even though there was certainly a routine and pattern to my using life, there was plenty of trauma and drama to break my monotonous lifestyle of finding the ways and means to get and use more. these days, after the wrench that COVID-19 threw into my a year ago, i am back at a pl;ace where i want more. i am tired of being in my home, wearing a mask, socially distancing from my friends and family and generally isolating from the world around me. i never made the trips i had planned. i have been to very few “live” meetings,. the litany of the sins of COVID-19 can go on and on and on, however today, i can choose to start a path away from being victimized by a virus.
today, is the day i have been looking forward to, for the past two weeks. my journey south to do a FIFTH STEP. in a way, i am grateful for the eight day pause, as that has given me a moment to “breathe” and get my feet back under me, spiritually anyhow. as tectonic as the revelations i uncovered may be to my psyche, getting my spiritual “sea legs,” in this new landscape was not a terrible thing. my landscape will never look the same, as i cycle through the rest of the steps, armed with this new knowledge and attempt to sort it out in to some sort of new personal wisdom. one might say, that i have been removed from m,y rut of self-hatred and remorse with extreme prejudice and although my new path is far from clear, i welcome the change. the resentments that triggered an avalanche of emotions the other day, are still there, but their power over me is starting to wane. i may not be able to ever forget, but i am starting to hope that i can forgive.
before i head out on my physical and spiritual journey today, it is time to get some miles under my belt. all that i was concerned about, the weather, getting this done, making it back on time to take my Mom to her vaccination appointment, are things i can let go of and see how this day plays out. just for today, the last place i am in, is a rut.

∞ DT ∞