Blog entry for:

i was focused on the emptiness and worthlessness of it all.
the very first piece of work i attempted this morning is left undone due to the vagaries of technology. my plans need to adjusted and i could be quite angry and wail about unfair all of this is, instead i think i will sigh <SIGH> write this little ditty out and go take care of business. not that i am some spiritual giant, who lets all the little annoyances and petty setbacks in my life roll off my back. no just a recovering addict, who in this instant realizes that i am a victim ONLY IF I LET MYSELF BECOME ONE.
that is a hard pill for me to swallow from time to time, as well as the pill the reading suggests: being grateful for what i do have and doing my best tp focus on what i can do, what i can get and where i can go, instead of playing the victim to what i cannot do and who i cannot be.
it is true, that i have envied others in the past, in active addiction, in abstinence and yes even in active recovery. it is true, that i may envy others in the future, BUT right here and right now, i am quite grateful to be who i am, to be living the life i have and to be traveling the road i am walking upon. i know that is a function of step work, clean-time and the influence of the members of the fellowship. those members show me what i do and do NOT want in my life, by how they live theirs.
do i want hundreds of friends in name only or am i content to share deep and passionate friendships with just a few?
do i want to command respect or earn respect?
do i want to be well thought of by others or am i comfortable being who i am and allowing that person to show all the time?
am i comfortable using dubious means to achieve the most noble ends, or are the means as important as the ends?
all of those questions and more are germane to the topic of focusing on fulfillment, being grateful for what i have and looking towards the horizon for the gifts that can still be arriving. no there is no recovery Santa Claus, Virginia, just doling out gifts to all the good little recovering addicts, BUT there is a HIGHER POWER that fuels my recovery and provides me the means to the ends of becoming the person i have always wanted to really be. today i am oriented to becoming that man, today i desire to be more than i was yesterday. today i am grateful for what i have and who is in my life, and i am grateful for what and who is not part of my life as well. my cup may only be half-full BUT the fact i have the cup is the salient fact this morning.
so off to the showers to deal with my topsy-turvy day as i wrap up a service commitment and open myself to the next one. it is a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞