Blog entry for:

from low self-esteem to a place of spiritual fulfillment has been an long strange trip for me. that trip, has never been straight-forward nor well mapped and it is that lack of certainty of where i will arrive, that has been my greatest stumbling block, across the course of my recovery. yes, i know, that it is THE journey that is of greatest import, and i will arrive wherever i need to, IF i allow the journey to take me there. knowing that and feeling that, at least for this addict, are two entirely different things. my seeming NEED for certainty in my life, is in direct opposition to the reality of life itself. the only certain thing, is that i will die. what happens between then and now, has yet to be written, so i GET why my sponse has me working on “feeling” my way through life, rather than “thinking” my way to the solution.it certainly is what it is, and when i get all esoteric and out there, i need to be reminded that i am not alone and that i have peers that are part of the process as well:

Steven S
8 (EIGHT) years clean!
Congrats, my friend. Keep coming back!

be that as it may, i still want to be able to glimpse into the unknowable future and get a clue of what i can do to bend it to my will, my desires and my needs. fantasy football is an exercise in trying to see what is beyond the pale by predicting future events based on past performance across all the players of the 32 major league football teams. i have had better success this season, than in the past and i want even more. now that i have risen to the top, i want to win it all, and the team i have has yet to score as many points as the team i am playing against next week and have to get through to be crowned champion of our silly little league. just as in real life, i have to make do with what i have and do the best i can, letting go of the results and allowing myself to be okay with not knowing the answers to my seemingly intractable problem.
i do, however, know the answer to one of the intractable problems in my life, addiction, whether or not i consider it a disease. the fact is, as an addict, i have no clue on how to do much of what i see those around do so naturally. i came to this relationship stuff, way late in life as well as gainful employment, fiscal responsibility, and owning what i do or do not do to make the world a better place. knowing what i know and learning to feel my way through to the next right thing, means that i will not kill my rival, nor try to participate in an unsavory trade or two with the teams at the bottom of the standings. what i will do, is a bit of research, use the tools at hand and put my best team forward, and then obsess all weekend long! 😏
right now? well i think it is time to shower, shave and hit the road to my place of gainful employment, as i am becoming much better at doing that, these days. it is a good day to be clean and seek to do the next right thing.

∞ DT ∞