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breeds self-doubt, which i am starting to be rid of, these days. sure, laughing at my foibles and the bizarre and certainly weird stuff i did in active addiction is great. there comes a time however, when i need to stop making fun of myself, in real time and allow myself to okay to make mistakes, accept a compliment and yes, take a bit of pride in how i live on a daily basis. for me, humor has always has been the ways and means to deflect all sorts of stuff. as i start to work through this set of steps, it is my desire to put humor into its proper place, certainly not a tool for me to use to degrade, debase and abuse myself.
moving into today, i certainly had a very poor night's sleep last night, as my mind would not settle down. i was thinking of nothing, but nothing kept me mostly conscious and as a result, i was in no mood to hit the streets at twenty-two degrees above zero this morning. in fact i was not in the mood for any sort of workout or PT exercises this morning. i coerced myself into getting on the floor to do my exercises and then driving to the gym for a four mile walk and run session. i have to admit, even though i am running a bit behind schedule, i am grateful for doing the next right thing for my physical recovery.
there is a bit of a funny story, however. i was trying to txt Mike C and Siri though i said Mike P, so Mr Mike P got a rando txt from me. i almost said i am sorry that txt was meant for someone else, but the fact he said he appreciated it, meant that i did not have to own making a mistake nor telling him he was less than important, than the person the txt was supposed to go to. it caused me a bit of mirth on my way into the gym and certainly lightened my semi-dark mood. so as i head out to the cigar store for the morning, to pound out another project, i know that i can be okay, owning a mistake without causing any harm and allowing someone to think i had intention, when i did not. i have to chalk it up to maybe, just maybe, it was exactly the next right thing to do.

∞ DT ∞