Blog entry for:

ah fulfillment, one of the hardest notions to define, much less wrap my head around. as i sat quietly this morning, pondering the ins and out of what this reading had evoked within me, i stumbled upon a bit of unprocessed information, from my day after work yesterday. before i get too carried away:

Steven S
6 years of doing it
Just For Today!
Quite the feat for people like us.
Keep Coming Back.

most days i do not even hear from one of the men i sponsor, yesterday i heard from four of them, in fact two even went over step work with me. none of that is anything but a set-up for the unprocessed bit of data, how i felt when i sat down top do my TENTH STEP last night. the feeling i realized i was feeling at the end of my day last night, was just that i felt fulfilled. i can carry the message to the still suffering addict, even if they do not think they are suffering. the four men? well each is in an entirely different place and space in their recovery. only one could fit the strictest definition of still suffering, and unfortunately of all of them, his suffering is the the most immediate.
talking about those men, however, was only a way to look at why i felt fulfilled and why it was about one facet of my recovery, at least int he here and now. when i share at meetings, it feels as if i am just sharing to hear the sound of my own voice from, time to time. i wonder if anyone is getting anything out of what i am saying and if i am carrying the message of my fellowship, or just spouting off the Gospel according to Don. when i share with those men, one on one, i feel more genuine and certainly carrying the message of recovery, that was passed down to me. as a result of the events yesterday, i started the process of getting together with my sponse, to move off of the ELEVENTH STEP and into STEP 12. they inspired me to ask for time, but as i sit here this morning, i am now more than certain that i have truly come to a place where i can do the “elevator pitch” of what my spiritual path looks like today. that little ditty i will save for the next HIGHER POWER reading, as today, it is all about me.
today, the question still remains, what does it feel like to be fulfilled and how do i recognize it when i feel it? i feel fulfilled after speaking to those men last night. they are proof that maybe i am doing something right, after all i have inspired them, to become something more than just another clean addict. i feel fulfilled that i can look them in the eye and say that i am grateful that each and every one of them is part of my life, and yet i do not NEED them to shower me with faint praise and attention. do not get me wrong, i have not yet grown out of desiring to be the center of attention, it just has been way quieted down, at least for today. today i have a job that pays and regards me for doing something i do not mind doing. i have a warm place to sleep. i have friends, peers and acquaintances, who actually want me in t heir lives and the ability to feel and return the love, that those in my life give me. so am i fulfilled? well just for right now, i would give an unqualified YES to that question. on that note i think i will wrap this up and get heading on down to that job that i do not mind going to.

∞ DT ∞