Blog entry for:

or how i sometimes wish i could get away with something.
i have written before of the envy i once felt, and sometimes still do, when i see how easily many of my peers, breeze through social situations. i have come accept that is not part of who i am and socially i will always be awkward. i also can see that over the course of my recovery, when i apply the principles of the program, i have become far more socially adept, but will never achieve the ease i see around me. yes this is an example of me comparing my insides to the outsides of others.
i have also written before who envious i get of how the lives of some of those who frequently relapse seem to appear. how they live in a world where they can use, have no responsibilities and sliding from one couch to another, taking what they can from others and moving on down the road. yes, another inside versus outside comparison, and yes one that is not taking into any consideration how they may be feeling. in this case, envy replaces empathy and compassion and i am certainly worse for the wear and tear on my spiritual self.
the peculiar form of envy that came up this morning as i rose from sitting was that of doing the next wrong thing and seemingly getting away with it, for what seems a very long time. this version of my envy is when i think i am the only one who see that what someone says, does not match what they do, and no one else seems to notice. what irks me the most, is that i know i would be twisted up inside, if i did what i see them doing and i wonder whether or not i could live in a place where the ends justify the means. however interesting this discussion may become, before i get carried away in a fit of self-deprecating drivel:

Steven S,
NINE (9) years clean!
WOW! Miss you my friend.
Congrats on doing this gig, just for today for 3287 days in a row.

so it goes, perhaps when i see what i think is one of my peers, “getting away with something shady,” instead of living in envy, maybe i need to move into a place of gratitude, which is very strange and unusual for me. what would i be grateful for? well perhaps, i could be grateful that what i think i observe, is NOT what i am doing and the reason i am NOT DOING, is because i CHOOSE not to carry that weight on my spiritual self. whether or not “they” are getting away scot-free or not, gets removed from my calculations and once that is taken out of the equation, i can be okay with how i am behaving, especially if i let go of what i think and move into a place of what i feel. anyhow, i need to get some steps in and be present for work. it is a good day to be clean and when i feel envy, maybe a bit of empathy is what i need to look for, after all, that is certainly me as well.

∞ DT ∞