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must be working a better program because they have a better car, a larger home, more money, and so on.
if only...
i should...
man, what a tool...
this is just not working for me...
i might as well...
a quick spin into the depths of active addiction and all because i judge my progress by the outward appearances of others. this is an old friend and a habit that dies hard. it has kept me apart from the the world in general and goes directly to the issue that goes directly to the my SIXTH STEP work. i am not quite ready for that particular reveal, but i can speak in generalities and move on.
the reading suggests that this behavior, is symptomatic of a deeper problem, that of low self-esteem and the belief that one is not good enough.i get that and i GOT that as well. plagued by these feelings, i have to be arrogant, judgmental. self-righteous and duplicitous, else i will not get what i want. yes it boils down to self-will once again and a lack of surrender. knowing that, and coming to believe that are two different things and although i have crime a long way in my recovery program, i still struggle with particular ghost of Christmas past.
i certainly have plenty outward signs of success in my life, in fact, if one did not know better you may come to believe that i am part of that elusive 85% we call the normies, which when i think back has always been my goal, since the very first time i realized i was different from most of the other kids. all i EVER wanted was to fit in and rebellion and non-conformity was my reaction to this unfulfilled longing.
as i work steps and scrape off the layers of denial that active addiction carefully laid down over the course of my life. i get closer and closer to the core of who i am and more importantly who i want to be, and you know what, i really have no desire to be a part of that other 85%. what do i wan t to be today? well BETTER than i was yesterday, CLEAN, and accepting and grateful for the gifts that active recovery have brought to me.
on that note, time to scrape off the days grunge and get headed towards thinking about doing my day job, after all, when i really look at it, having a full-time gig, that pays well is a gift as well. so instead of disparaging it, i think, just for today i will embrace it and be the best Don i can be. after all, i am all that i really have, well not counting the whole rest of the world!

∞ DT ∞