Blog entry for:

often defensive. i am discovering that there is always room for growth, no matter how much i try and deny it.
when i came to recovery, i was just perfect the way i was. i truly believed that statement and lived my life accordingly. early recovery, dispelled that particular myth but left nothing it its place, creating a vacuum in my perception of myself, that the part of me i called addiction rushed to fill with a brand new set of lies. from flawless to nothing but a defective character, and what little self-esteem i had suffered. not that the steps robbed me of anything, it was mostly because i was and still am a person of extremes, that has difficulty distinguishing between the various shades of gray. in my black and white myopia, i used the knowledge i gained as evidence of what kind of person i was, maximizing my effect upon the world around me, as i considered the damage i had done to those who were a part of my life. as reminded about by my friend jack, true humility is knowing my place in the world, which is neither a saint or a demon, but a little of both mixed into an addict struggling through this path of recovery. alright that is a bit over the top, the struggling part. honestly, it is not a struggles for me to stay clean today, nor is it a struggle to do my best to live the program of recovery i have been given. that statement is the false humility i have been taught to spout by those who seem to think that minimizing my accomplishments and progress is a desirable manner in which to share. i have already gone on about that topic and it pisses me off when i fall into that trap again. that behavior is a comfortable one for me to wear however, and it is germane to the discussion at hand. after all, one of my character defects is conceit and brag about my accomplishments to look and feel better about who i am.yes the whole ego maniac with an inferiority complex syndrome. so anyhow, knowing this, when i start to talk about what i have done and where i am going, i feel the NEED to alter my behavior to diminish the effect of that set of defects. i forget, that job does not belong to me, and it is up to the POWER that fuels my recovery to remove those defects of character as well as the need for em to act upon them. as they are still a part of my life, is no reflection on the quality of my recovery, or the relative power of the POWER that fuels my recovery, they are just a fact of being me, my job is to choose how i act once they are activated. the whole false humility gig, is what i have been taught by observing others to defeat that particular beast, and as i sit here this morning i see that it once again a black and white, all or none, binary behavior system, because i choose not to see the shades of gray. which of course brings me back to my stalled step work, as this can certainly be seen as a symptom of self will running my life.
what to do? well in the here and now, go for the run i have wanted to do for the past 24 hours, and let exercise clear out the grunge from my head. in the near term, find the motivation to finish my third step. in the long term, allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to provide me the feedback i need to alter my course of behavior, including accepting what others say about how i am acting and what may need to be changed. after all, i hardly get guidance from burning bushes and claps of thunder, or at least not up to now. so where else, except from those i share this path of recovery with, am i going to get the feedback i need? i can go with that in the here and now and hit the streets running! it is as my friend Joe likes to say, a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞