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with my recovery journey is not a place i ever thought i might reach. in fact, it was always my contention that change and recovery would do me in. i still resist each and every change and still end up being a bit defensive when someone points out a faux pas or shortcoming. there is a caveat to that last statement, i resist less and accept feedback a bit easier than ever before. easier may be better, and in this case in may be the best i can do, as i seem hard-wired to “look” better than i really am. maybe not hard-wired, but certainly well-conditioned to doing so, after five plus decades of hiding my real self and being what i thought others wanted me to be. this me being me and showing me, the real me, to the whole world is a tough gig for me to do.
although change and listening to what others see in me is a great topic, i, of course, went down the rabbit hole of how can i do this recovery gig better and am i actually a fraud waiting to be revealed as a charlatan to my local fellowship. this sort of trip happen when my source material aligns with my current belief system and does not bring up anything more from the depths. it is ironic that i fill that quiet with some noise from below, when quiet is what i am seeking. to notion that somehow i am not an actual member of my fellowship, even though i have no desire to use drugs or much of anything else these days, is not a new one. this notion has been around and plagued me for decades on end. it only seems to rear its ugly head when i am not feeling confident in my work and my life, and today, is certainly one of those days. cancer, forced vacation, mountain climbing, a pile of paperwork from decades of being a pack rat and a “favor” for someone who always takes and never ever gives, are all piling up and making me feel less than this morning. what my next step probably needs to be, is to make the Nooner meeting, but i have an appointment at the bank to complete a task i have been trying to get done for months. so i will let go of what i think, do some heads-down development, take care of my bidness and allow myself to feel what i need to feel and move along.

∞ DT ∞