Blog entry for:

if i am to continue my growth toward freedom. honestly this seems to be one of those readings, that i read and promptly forget. case in point, this morning when i sat down to **listen,** i could not for the life of me, remember what this reading was all about, except the part about reacting defensively. that stuff happens every now and again, especially when it seems as if i am swimming up stream, as it has for the past few days.
yes my thunder was stolen by a request.
yes, i admitted i was not a spiritual giant in front of a meeting.
yes, i have been doing everything at work except the one major task i was asked to do this week.
and yes i walked out of the office yesterday without doing my work tracking time sheet.
all in all, not a whole lot of caving to self-will and certainly more than enough surrendering to the fact that the world is full of people and events that even though they appear to have very little to do with me, they still affect me. so the SCOTUS rulings, the racist inspired massacre in Charleston, the gunning down of an escaped murderer and the fact that not one of the people who said they would burn themselves to death if the Supreme Court made marriage a right for all citizens, nationwide, has gone up in flames, just to list a few of the events that i feel have little effect on me, but actually do. for one, the fact that those pop out of my head and on to this page, is evidence that what i think is being influenced by events and people that are not a part of my immediate reality. can i blame these events for this feeling of resistance and exhaustion? no i cannot, nor is it my friend's fault that i did not get to just give without letting anyone know, he is who he is. as i sit here way to early on a Saturday morning, once again, surrendering after tossing and turning for an hour, to the fact that i am already awake i might as well be productive, i am wondering what is up with me. i just feel more than a little bit out of synch with my life and the flow of the world around me, and that is not how it has been for quite some time.i want, i feel and i say all sorts of stuff and yet i am a step behind, trying to catch up with my life, or at least all of the stuff that is going on around my life.
what am i going to do? well i am going to shower off and head on out to my Saturday morning. i am going to take a breath and allow my head to catch up with my feelings. i am going to allow myself to feel confused and a bit dull, as i feel my way to the next right thing. most importantly i am going to allow the world to spin as it will and just be a part of it, instead of trying to be the prime mover. it is after all a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞