Blog entry for:

to change, growth, and new freedom, was not what came up as i **sat** this morning. no, what i **heard** was all about my peers and how i see them behaving, instead of being focused on what needs to be changed in my own current set of behaviors. i wondered why one of my peers with a fairly good chunk of clean time would choose to hide out in another fellowship, on a fairly consistent basis. i wondered how another one of my peers, ended up pissing off the powers that be. and finally what it would take for a couple of my peers to accept the fact that using brings undesirable consequences and maybe if they desire the change, they need to find the means to stay clean. most of the time, these sort of thoughts arise well after i get up from my morning “quiet time,” but today they kept circulating, infecting that space with a vengeance. when something such as this occurs, i need to get a grasp on why i allowed them, to rent so much space in my head.
changing the focus sometimes helps me to see what is really going on. as much as i seem to relish dissing some of what i see in my peers, as an opening to seeing what is happening inside of me, this sort of event, evokes a very angry reaction. “how dare they, intrude on my quiet space. who the F*CK do they think they are?” there it is in a nutshell. diverting myself from considering what i need to change today, in order to grow, by looking at others, plays well into this whole martyrdom gig that i have been doing over the past few weeks. it has finally risen to the point, where i am the victim of my own opinions and have found the means to blame others for doing nothing more that living their lives. without a doubt, no change in all of that for me. although i have heard it said more than once, that awareness of the need to change, is the first step towards opening that door.
what i think i will do, as i move forward into my day, is to do my power walk and see if i can get a “do over” for my quiet time. i can accept that maybe what i “heard” this morning was what i needed to hear. maybe, all of that was to remind me that i am right where i am supposed to be and that if i sit down, shut-up and listen, i will get what i need, just for today.

∞ DT ∞