Blog entry for:

ah, the do not ask me what i think of you, i might not give the answer that you want me to, topic, only this just may be all about getting that answer without asking. it is quite true, i have an opinion or two, well more than that, i have opinions on just about everyone and everything, so it would be ignorant of me, to think that no one else has any opinions that are worth a dram. the question, burning or not, is do i really care? the reading certainly suggests that i do need to care and yes, perhaps, solicit feedback from my peers. more importantly, when that feedback comes without my intervention, to pay attention to what is being said. so when a peer tells me that perhaps i am living a program based on years, instead of just for today, i need to consider vthat carefully. of course i made some smug, off-the-cuff reply last night when it was offered up to me. it was feedback directly to the point i shared, namely that i am feeling the weight of my consecutive “just for todays.”
as i considered this morning, i can certainly see his point and need not defend what it is i am feeling and where it is i am going. i am not one of those who spouts that i will never use again, or that using is never an option, i am more in touch with who and what i am, to go there. looking forward, i see a string of days that may end when i shuffle off this mortal coil. looking back i see an unbroken chain of days clean, that in my mind, feels impressive, as this addict was one that could not stay clean until noon, by choice, i once told myself. it is that number, “thousands” that is giving me issues. with those sort of figures to be tossed around, i NEED to be a spiritual paragon, a guru of sorts, who always ha]s the most spiritual and practical solutions and never is without an answer. i should be past acting out or lurking in the shadows to get away with something. i should always do the next right thing, just because it is the next right thing and not have all sorts of mixed motives. in other words, where i think i should be spiritually and where i am, is causing all sorts of dissonance within and making more nuts than i already am. in other words i am not meeting or exceeding my own spiritual expectations in any realm and i feel as if i am somehow a failure at this recovery gig. what a subtle fVcking way to take me out again and on the wings on]f unmet expectations becoming a resentment, after all, if i cannot live just for today and let the previous ones be, i must be doing something wrong, so what is the point. if this is as good as it gets, why bother, as one of the substances i mused to like, is now legal and quite socially acceptable.
now i hear the voice of my peer, saying “my disease wants to kill me, but will settle for me being loaded.” that is one of the bon mots, i find more than a bit annoying, as i am not one of those who likes to separate myself from addiction, but when i replace “my disease“ with “me or i,” that phrase becomes much more disturbing and dire.
moving into my day, i get what me peer was trying to tell me, and although i was dismissive of it last night, maybe, just maybe he has a point and it is time to detach who i am from the number of days i have clean, just for today.

∞ DT ∞