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...and new freedom!
and after all freedom from the apart of me i call my addiction is what this whole gig is all about. i am mostly blind to my most glaring unacceptable behaviors, most of the time. this whole process would be quite easy, if i could see what i am doing before someone else points it out. since that is not the reality in my current circumstances, it has become necessary for me to actually listen with an open mind when someone else comments on a behavior, attitude or belief. my instinctive reaction however, is to explain, rationalize and dismiss such comments. after all, i do not know whether the motives of the person pointing out the less than stellar parts of my life are really pure, and how the hell do they know what it is like to walk in my shoes. so after a round of denial and rationalization, like the example pointed out above, i am free to continue to do what i was doing and letting them go on their merry way.
this is some sort of freedom, freedom from looking at what is really going on with me, and the freedom to remain exactly as i am, resistant to any change and secure in the knowledge that once again i can act with impunity and total disregard of what is going on the world around me!
but the question that needs to be answered is, is this the sort of freedom i am really trying to achieve? and the answer to that question is a resounding NO! i want to be free to grow into the person that me HIGHER POWER has always wanted me to be. i want the freedom to go through the world without causing a whole lot of damage. i want the freedom to be able to have deep and meaningful relationships and most of all i want the freedom from active addiction that the fellowship that gave me this new offers.
so the action i must take is to become willing to hear my little defects pointed out by those who surround, become open-minded to what they are saying and work my program to the best of my ability to allow the powers greater than me, to influence the change that will allow me to achieve that freedom. not a very complicated task, not one beyond my current capabilities, but one that i seem to be averse to most of the time. life is far too short to live behind defensive walls, so i think that just for today, i will allow myself to be open to the change that is going on in my life and myself.

∞ DT ∞