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I AM different! I REALLY got it rough!
ahhhh, the sweet refrain of trying to do the 1-2-3 shuffle. even with some time clean i can hear myself thinking this, although i have come to the place where i rarely ever say it out loud. there is a curse to longevity in the rooms, as i move further and further out in the long tail, i feel more and more different that those i spend my time with, these days. i do see the irony here, it was NOT being different that got me this far, and yet…
… before i get too far down this road, i need to shout out to someone who is ver4y like me in many ways.

JAY T
my friend, sponsee and co-conspirator for so long,
CONGRATS on 14 years clean
our journey has certainly been an interesting one

it is true that when i came to recovery there was not a whole lot of this fellowship alive and kicking in my home town. it is also true, that of the meetings currently going strong here, Jay and i had a hand in getting them rolling and keeping the coffee warm, in those days so long ago, but that feel like yesterday. that fact also contributes to my feelings of being different. it is sort of like my parents telling me how rough they had it when they were growing up, i hear myself telling the same sorts of pioneer stories about the nascent fellowship of yore. i also hear myself saying things that i loathe to hear from others, about how much tougher things were back in the day, and the clichés that roll out of my mouth like drool.
back to the problem, me separating myself from the pack based on one criterion or another, the end result is no different than it would be for a FNG, relapse and eventual uncontrolled use of substances. i GET that, and that fact is often enough to snap me back into an attitude of gratitude, for what i do have today: the choice to GO TO A MEETING every night of the week; a roomful of addicts mostly hungry for recovery; friendships based on more than what we can take from each other; and a life that is value based and on a spiritual path. when i consider all of that, it really is what i always wanted, even before i had a clue about what i wanted beyond my next get high.
i am different, but far from unique. what has worked for my predecessors, can and will work for me. what is working in the life of those who are following along that path, can and will work for me as well. when i decide i know enough and with that knowledge i can live differently, than i get into trouble.
so as the coffee beverage starts to kick in, i can move forward into my next task for the day: a bit of service and a bit of celebration, after a full day of work and life on its own terms. it is a good day to be me, different but far from unique.

∞ DT ∞