Blog entry for:

anything to alienate and disqualify myself from a life of active recovery. it is one of the saddest facts of my life that i did not want to be in recovery and even when **sentenced** to this life i spent a boatload of time and energy, trying to get out, before i succumbed to peer pressure and found what i did not6 know i was seeking. today, sitting several “just-for-todays” clean, i find it remarkable that i made it through those early days of mere abstinence and found my way to the manner of living that i embrace today. the attraction of a life worth living finally out-weighed the siren call of altering my consciousness with a little dab to do me and when i look back, i am grateful that no one told me to get lost, when i was trying to get away from recovery and get away with scraping the bottom.
even in those early days, i had allies and peers who marched along with me. some of them came and went, others died and some are still part of my life today:

Jay T.
Congrats on Twenty-three (23) years clean.
I am glad the 3rd time was the charm.

if all goes as planned, i will get to spend some time with my friend and peer, this afternoon, that is, of course, out of my control.
i have to admit that i am way out of my league these days, as i am attempting to guide one of the men that call me their sponsor, through the FOURTH STEP, without a net as it were. i am relying on the POWER that fuels my recovery to give me the answers, instead of using a guide set down in printed form, that has been addict-tested and approved. my FEAR in this, is that it is my head that is leading this process and not my heart. in that “disconnect” i will miss something crucial and deprive my friend, brother and peer, something essential to this part of the recovery process. the only thing i can say for certain, is that i am doing the best i can and maybe, just maybe the four times i have been through a fourth step and the dozens of men i have guided through a fourth step, will provide me all that i need, to give him what he needs as well.
as to the other men who call me their sponsor? well i am not sure that i will fly without a net through their Fourth Steps. i think i will take what is written and create a packet that fits what i “feel” needs to be addressed. this process is teaching me that i do have a bit of value, that my experience is worthwhile and i can fly closer to the sun, without getting too close and survive. as i prepare to hit the streets as it were and burn off my last hour of on-call, i know for certain that i may be different than many of my peers but i share a common purpose with them, to live in a manner that i can be proud of, just for today.

∞ DT ∞