i used these lines over and over in our active addiction, and i have even caught myself whining them recently. as this is the first of the month, and i find myself running more than a bit behind time, this morning, i am struck dumb, by the truth and irony in those lines. I AM DIFFERENT than the other 85% of the human race. i am different than those addicts who are out there using. and when you really get down to the core, i am different from those addicts who are in recovery, in many respects. before i get rolling on closing this loophole, i need to do a quick shout-out:
Jay T,
15 years of days clean
You truly are a miracle
KEEP COMING BACK!
the loophole? that being unique, somehow makes me different. when i look at the notion of being an individual, i certainly see how different i am from all those around me. i celebrate those differences, as there are many i see, who i would never choose to be. most of who i am, is hard-wired within me. stuff like expressing my “Y” chromosome, my grey eyes and greying hair and the fact that i am an addict. whether the last one in that list is genetic or cultural, to me, is irrelevant. what is relevant, is how do i exercise power over the events in my life today. in reality, i do not have much power, BUT i can and have made the choice today., to surrender to addiction, the fact that i am an addict and ask the POWER that fuels my recovery, for the power to stay clean today. like the thousands of addicts around the world, who are also in recovery, i seek the power from a POWER greater than myself and greater than addiction, so in this respect i am not different at all. the literature may say, that there is NO model of the recovering addict, but that does not mean even though i GET to pick and choose, what parts of the program i will work and what i will not, my only guarantee for the freedom from active addiction, is to live the program, in all its aspects, doing what those who have gone before have done. IF i do what they did, than i will get what they got, and that is coming true every day in my life. the converse is also true, if i do NOT do what they did, well the results are far from predictable, and in what i have observed, often deadly to people like me. NOTHING in my life today, is an excuse to use. i know that at 2:30 this afternoon, my coworkers will be having beer thirty. i know that there are three MMJ dispensaries withing two blocks of where i work, and i COULD qualify for a red card, and have the 90 bills it would take to get one. i also know, that when i choose either of those options, my recovery process, ceases, and i may not end up dead from an overdose tomorrow, BUT, i am still eligible to walk down that path, even after some days clean.
what to do? except that i am not so different at all, do what it has been suggested to do, and move forward into today, which means time to hit the shower and get on over to Boulder. it is as my friend and peer Joe T always says, a GOOD day to be clean.
∞ DT ∞
