Blog entry for:

despite...
the list of why i should or could not stay clean today, or any day on my recovery journey would be a long one. this morning as i suffered the slings and arrows of mistakes made by the drivers on my route to the office, i had more than a minute to pause and consider what it was that IS keeping me clean. in the beginning it was sheer willpower and my lack of desire to del with the consequences of using “just once.” that worked for a minute, but as i continued to place myself in dangerous situations, i saw that sooner or later i would succumb to my desire to use and have to face what i found was unacceptable. i finally had reached the point where denial was no longer working for me and i had to do something different. i did not get “converted” in a flash of light and was not “struck” clean in that instant, but the desire to live instead of merely survive until the day came that i could use, made me reach out to my peers and start a honest program of recovery. i was not all that honest or sincere when i embarked on this journey but i was certainly tired of being in a place that left me less than satisfied with my life. i was scared that i would not be able to live a life in recovery, but moving forward seemed to be the only way for me to go.
it is ironic that last night i had a seeking the ways and means dream starring the last using buddy with whom i had hung out. in the dream, he kept asking if i was sure that i wanted what he had to offer. each time i mumbled out my answer, i became less certain of my desire to use, but i always said, of course i did, after all, i am an addict. i never did use in that dream and as it continued i knew that i had reached a fork in the road, a place from which there could be no return. i woke up before leaving that crossroads, but thinking about it this morning, i see that i am not as safe as i think i am, regardless of how many days i have clean.
considering where i am today, i know that dream is just a symptom of my complacency. even though i do what i need to do, to maintain my recovery, the part of me i call addiction, is still working me over. the hardships i may face or do face today are really nothing when one considers what my fate could have been. i have three peers who i have known for more than a minute, who keep making the decision to use and keep facing the consequences because of that choice. each of them is facing time in a correctional facility that may consume many years of their lives. each of them decided that they could “get away” with living a less than spiritual life and chose behaviors that led them back into the pits of active addiction. the lesson i walk away with is that, like them i too could end up in a place that is less than desirable, if i allow myself to choose a manner of living that does not include a life of active recovery. my dream reinforced my decision this morning to do just that, do whatever it takes to carry my recovery forward into this day and be the best recovering addict that i can be, just for today.

∞ DT ∞