Blog entry for:

the consequences of my actions, still is a behavior i seem to cherish, even after a minute clean. part of me, whether it is addiction or just being human wants to get away with something. that part feels justified when i do and angry when i do not. i am not, by any means a spiritual giant of any sort, and when i choose to **act-out,** i want o skate away into obscurity not unlike a thief in the night. it is a good thing that i am committed to a program of recovery that provides a counter to the forces of chaos and destruction that are part of my make-up. each time i do the next right thing and get away with it “scot-free” i reinforce the notion that i am not a bad person trying to get “good.”

Jay T., Twenty-two (22) years clean!
Congrats, my friend.
Thank you for helping me in those early days,
when neither of us had many clues about how this is done.

what i really need to think about today, is developing trust in someone i do not “feel” is trustworthy. i think i will leave at that, as there is still a whole lot more for me to sort out. i can say that i am torn between two minds here. i want to tempt them into revealing their “true colors,” and see what happens. not exactly the most spiritual road to travel. i certainly could “get away” with that action and end up in a place of superiority as i could say “i told you so.” the fact is that i did not tell anyone so, as i have kept my reservations and prejudgements on the down-low. as a result of considering the next right thing to do, i am going to let go of what i “believe” and events to take their course, without my conscious intervention. it is after all, a good day to be a bit better of a person than i was yesterday.

∞ DT ∞