Blog entry for:

is a task i have been attempting to do for decades on end. i came to recovery with a story about how broken i was, that i told myself so many times, it had taken on a patina of truth. even after freeing myself from that lie, through the process of STEPS FOUR and FIVE, the echoes of that, still infect my daily life in subtle, but just as harmful ways. to not belabor the point or dive into a bout of self-pity or false humility, it is quite true, that voice plays a much smaller part in my daily living and i am hopeful that this round of steps will silence it forever, or just for today anyhow. as i sat this morning, giving way to how i might accomplish all that i had the desire to do, what came bubbling up to the surface, was that i no longer had to be a victim of that voice. after that realization came up, i was deafened by the silence that ensued. in that quiet space, i felt that i have a choice to remove the power that it still holds over me, if i acknowledge it, the voice that is, listen to what it is saying and parse out whether or not it is the truth. responding, rather than reacting. which to me, feels like the next right thing to do.
at the meeting today, i heard all sorts of stuff that goes directly to this mission, starting off with treating myself as i treat the men i sponsor. i do my best not to moralize, judge or criticize them when i interact with them and i am mostly successful. IF i can give them that space, i sure as hell can give it to myself and it would certainly go a very long way to foster my silencing the inner critic project. i know i have a long way to go and as the cliché from my spiritual path goes, the journey of a thousand lis starts with a single step. i am not going to drop the excess weight that i have put on, by sitting on my ass. i am not going to improve my coding skills by wishing i could do it better. most importantly, i am not going to improve my spiritual state by living with the pain that i cause myself. just for today, i will celebrate my victories over being what i am not or even better still being just what i am. after all, i am worth seeing the good as well as the not so good in my life, just for today.

∞ DT ∞