Blog entry for:

the catch is, i HATE to surrender, PERIOD! well that may be a bit strong for this phase in my recovery, but it was certainly true way back when, and only through application and the patience of those who have walked this path before me, was i able to ever even think about surrender.
this morning, although the reading started about surrender, what i heard was all about how different from the rest of the members of the fellowship I AM NOT! surrender was the entry point to that realization, not the final destination. with that particular thought in mind, i will take care of some bidness and be right back

JAY T
13 YEARS of DAYS in a row
Awesome, MY BROTHER and FRIEND

anyhow, i can certainly say, that all i wanted when i first came to the fellowship was a way out of it. as hard as i worked to disqualify myself, the more i proved that i was actually cut from the same cloth. not like some sort of clone, rolled off of an assembly line, but in matters that count, emotional, spiritual and mental, i acted and reacted just like the, members in the room. i saw that there were members who accepted what and who they were, and that there were many just like me, who fought tooth and nail to hold on to our exceptions and uniqueness, parsing out the slightest differences and magnifying them to provide evidence that we did not belong here.
in the end, i can hardly believe what a waste of resources that was on my part, except i also see that it was a phase that i needed to go through. as i was not struck clean, each battle i fought, was necessary to get where i am today. since i am more of the rule, my experience in going through this fight to be me, so to speak, provides me a unique experience to share with others as they too struggle through this same battle. i cannot wage this war, but i can let them know i understand, i cannot keep them from leaving before the miracle of acceptance happens, but i can provide them support and succor as they stumble towards that event. those who were struck clean, lack this understanding, and it really does not matter. when i say i am the same as the addicts with whom i share my recovery, i mean that, once again not a clone or some kind of pre-programmed golem, but a living breathing human being, who shares the affliction of addiction and more importantly the desire to live a new way of life. i gave away my hopes and dreams to active addiction and i am recovering them today through the program that has brought me to this point. the rest of that old way of life i can mostly leave behind, except to draw on as part of my experience at life. as much as i want every person who walks into the rooms to get this, i know that they, like me, have to come to want it, ALL OF IT. they can sample and leave or even hang out on the fringe. it is not up to me. what is up to me is what i want today. that is a place where i am with people who understand me on a deep and spiritual level. a place where when i spout the insanity that is rolling around in my head, they may laugh with me, BUT they get it and will give me the direction i may not realize i need. what i want is an explanation for all those years i gave away to getting and finding the means. i find that right here, because i am just like the members in the rooms of the fellowship that provides me the chance to recover today. it is given to me by the POWER that fuels my recovery and as such, is a precious gift, that i am more than willing to give away to keep. and i am grateful for all of that and more.
the walks are clear of snow, my morning jobs are done, and more importantly i have taken the time to put down a few thoughts. i think it is now time to jump into the shower, then see if my car will start this frigid Colorado morning. good thing i have triple A and lots of time this morning.

∞ DT ∞