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i live by the guidance of the simple principles of the program of the fellowship in which i choose to recover. the real question than come down to, do i really want serenity and hope to fill my life? if the answer to that question was to be based on my actions, than one would have to say a very ambiguous maybe. if it was based on my current commitment to the program, than one would have to say highly probable. as you can see, i can take even the simplest of questions and twist them all out of recognition. it all come down to a matter of relativity and i am not talking about E = mc².
in order to better answer the question, i guess i need to take some time and look at reality, in a non-relativistic manner, quite simply, am i following the suggestions that the reading enumerated? so on the sharing front: well other than yesterday, i have been very regular in writing down my thoughts in this medium, as well as sharing in my home group. yes it is true, my sharing has consisted of some whining, some experience, some attempts at humor and most of all how all of the life stuff i am going through is affecting me. those effects are obvious, at least to me -- i want to change the way i feel and i do not want to use. unequivocally i am following the first of the triad of simple actions. how about regular meeting attendance? well i have not missed my home group but once since becoming a member. i show up with great regularity at the Tuesday and Sunday meetings. so there is another yes. and step work? well after a six month stall, i am writing my FOURTH STEP, bit by bit on a very regular schedule. since the answer to those three simple questions is yea, where the fVck is the serenity and hope i am supposed to have my life filled with, these days?
that is the rub, as my seed plainly states, my life CAN be, not WILL be, dang it, the ever present loophole of the difference between ‘has the ability to’ and ‘to make something happen.’ after all, there is the whole concept of self-will and the addict within, interfering with the me having the ability to make my life fill with serenity and hope.
and that sucks!
the simple answer, is to let go, pay attention and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to ITs work. there is always a catch, isn!t there? working backwards through my life, i come back to relativity again. right here and right now, i do have more HOPE and serenity than i did a year ago, or even a month ago, before i embarked on my FOURTH STEP journey into the heart of darkness. which, when i think about it, is bringing into fruition the transformation i desire, despite what the part of me i call addiction wants me to believe. with that thought in mind, i do get a sense of HOPE and a feeling of serenity, because i am making the decision to let go and see what happens. life does not suck today, nor does it suck to be me. would i like to be somewhere, anywhere different? no not today, i am right where i am supposed to be, which is in front of my laptop, sitting on my back porch, doing a bit of a brain dump and getting back to work on the tasks i need to to get done today, and that is enough for right now.
so back to work and allowing the day to unfold as it will, it is a good day to practice the simple actions that will make me whole.

∞ DT ∞