โ the effort i put into helping others also helps โ
Posted: Tue, Jul 1, 2014 07:49:00 AM
to keep self-centeredness, the core of my addict self, at bay.
okay, yesterday was far from ideal. i felt like a tool most of a day and like a bad self-fulfilling prophecy i did many toolish things. yeah, yeah, yeah, i can hear it now: “i should not beat myself up for having a bad, after all i am only human.”
well you know what, that is touchy-feely bullsh!t, and every now and again, i need to cold, blunt truth, especially from myself, about who and what i am. yes, i need to own my mistakes, take responsibility for being ignorant and most importantly of all, be accountable to myself. the nice part of all of that, is i have a framework to love by, that allows me the freedom to be who i am, and to measure how ell i am doing in the here and now. even after a bad day, my TENTH STEP revealed that i had twinges of envy and certainly m ore than a bit of just plain self-centered self-pity, and that is okay. at least i harmed no one, i walked away from a situation that was frustrating. at least i did not call anyone a ho or a skank in front of all their friends. at least i paid my bills, worked from home after the dentist office and generally was a citizen instead of some sort of lowlife stalker.
this morning, as i look back over yesterday, i may not be proud of what i did and did not do, but i know for certain, that i owe new amends, no new instances of having to say i was wrong, and most importantly nothing that i regret saying or doing for whatever reason. being a tool happens to me, and allowing myself to fall victim, and yes i still play the victim from time to time, to the frustration of unmet expectations, is not part of the person i am growing into becoming. the nice part is i am not seen by my peers as some sort of degenerate, old and creepy predator, and that gives me a bit of comfort, in and of itself. i am trusted and they rely upon me to give them the bit of experience, strength and hope that i have accumulated across the course of my recovery. for me, i get to synthesize what i have seen and learned and no longer need to hide in the shadows, as i am not doing anything shameful or gasp morally repugnant anymore. the program that gave me this new life, has transformed me into something more that i ever imagined and as a result, there is very little shame and guilt for me to deal with on a daily basis, even after a day like yesterday!
the truth is, i am not all that complex, but i am grateful that i have a very simple framework to follow on my way to becoming a better person, and there are no more bodies buried along the side of that road, today. it is however time to move forward in my life and hit the road to Boulder. i know how to fix what i struggled with yesterday and i can be productive and most importantly live a program of recovery today.
okay, yesterday was far from ideal. i felt like a tool most of a day and like a bad self-fulfilling prophecy i did many toolish things. yeah, yeah, yeah, i can hear it now: “i should not beat myself up for having a bad, after all i am only human.”
well you know what, that is touchy-feely bullsh!t, and every now and again, i need to cold, blunt truth, especially from myself, about who and what i am. yes, i need to own my mistakes, take responsibility for being ignorant and most importantly of all, be accountable to myself. the nice part of all of that, is i have a framework to love by, that allows me the freedom to be who i am, and to measure how ell i am doing in the here and now. even after a bad day, my TENTH STEP revealed that i had twinges of envy and certainly m ore than a bit of just plain self-centered self-pity, and that is okay. at least i harmed no one, i walked away from a situation that was frustrating. at least i did not call anyone a ho or a skank in front of all their friends. at least i paid my bills, worked from home after the dentist office and generally was a citizen instead of some sort of lowlife stalker.
this morning, as i look back over yesterday, i may not be proud of what i did and did not do, but i know for certain, that i owe new amends, no new instances of having to say i was wrong, and most importantly nothing that i regret saying or doing for whatever reason. being a tool happens to me, and allowing myself to fall victim, and yes i still play the victim from time to time, to the frustration of unmet expectations, is not part of the person i am growing into becoming. the nice part is i am not seen by my peers as some sort of degenerate, old and creepy predator, and that gives me a bit of comfort, in and of itself. i am trusted and they rely upon me to give them the bit of experience, strength and hope that i have accumulated across the course of my recovery. for me, i get to synthesize what i have seen and learned and no longer need to hide in the shadows, as i am not doing anything shameful or gasp morally repugnant anymore. the program that gave me this new life, has transformed me into something more that i ever imagined and as a result, there is very little shame and guilt for me to deal with on a daily basis, even after a day like yesterday!
the truth is, i am not all that complex, but i am grateful that i have a very simple framework to follow on my way to becoming a better person, and there are no more bodies buried along the side of that road, today. it is however time to move forward in my life and hit the road to Boulder. i know how to fix what i struggled with yesterday and i can be productive and most importantly live a program of recovery today.
∞ DT ∞