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is not the only benefit i GET from the simple program of recovery that has become my way of life. that single promise, when i heard it all those days ago, was enough to keep me around and allow me to find some HOPE in the desperate and dark times of early recovery. i have an acquaintance, who used to be a friend, who seems to cycle in and out of county lock-up on a weekly basis. how he continues to raise his bail astonishes me, and make me more likely to accept the scuttlebutt i hear from those on the inside. once upon a time, he had a bit of clean time, in fact, more than once he has had some clean time and actually even some recovery.these days, i do not even think he has the desire to attempt to get clean again. i still have the FAITH that there is a path forward for him and hope that he can find it.
for me, i know of only one way to get clean, stay clean and find a manner of living that does not create chaos and discord in the world around me. i am far from perfect and i can often believe that i am some sort of special case, over-complicated and beyond help. the facts do not fit that viewpoint, and yet they are often the siren song that insists that i have been clean and lived long enough in active recovery, that perhaps i no longer have the need to adhere to this simple program. when i go there, i have to see how one of my peers is handling their cycle of using and abstinence. what i see them doing is making themselves feel better by a trick of comparison. they have all the trappings of a great life and have yet to be homeless, penniless and in jail. on the outside their life “looks” better than many of my peers and yet i wonder. if using is not affecting them, why do they bother to keep coming back?
i could and did go on, but i realized that there is an element of envy and jealousy in where i was going. when i start comparing, i am setting myself up for a huge fall. the fact that this exercise took me down a path where i looked at two of my peers and how they are living their lives is a warning in and of itself. i really do not want what either of them have, except for their ability to use and escape the consequences of their consumption. in fact, what i am doing is ignoring what is probably going on and glossing over the real consequences that are being manifest in their lives. my life may lack certain material objects, but i live a very comfortable life, materially, emotionally and spiritually. there really are no biggies any more. i do not need to worry about what others are saying nor do i have to keep what i am doing on the down low. the simple program i have been given is enough to keep me from over-complicating my life and the amazing part is what i feel the need to rationalize and justify has been diminished. i am worth more today than that next chug-a-lug, line or toke and even if i see examples of active addiction that do not appear to be that bad, i can choose to look to myself, my program and stop wondering “what if,” life is better on this side of my clean date, just for today.

∞ DT ∞